Thought.is

1. Do everything you can to convince your girlfriend not to let you cook dinner.

Metaphysical Significance: Tough to compete with Jesus on this one. He was the son of God, he died for our sins.

Hmmm. Hair’s a little greasy, but I can work with that. I’m a professional stocking cap.

People often ask if having shrink parents has made me really well adjusted. I respond by telling them that I wrote a book about how ridiculous my love life is, I have no pictures in my phone that aren’t of cats, and that I’ve been seeing a shrink twice a week for years.

Michael Peterson’s job, his family, his marriage, the forensic evidence–all fascinating. Even the testimony from the scientific experts is thrilling. I mean, come on. Scientific experts are the worst!

My Cat is Already Infallible: My cat has never made a mistake. Seriously, not once.

Look at these frozen foods. I don’t understand how they can all be so delicious and still cost like $2! It makes no sense!

Kimmel will do things other shows would never consider doing. His show is the most daring and creative late-night show on today, and if that’s not the definition of cool, I don’t know what is.