50 More Mature Ways To Leave Your Lover
5. Make the break clean, Dean.
6. Don’t date her roommate, Tate.
7. Don’t play games with her heart, Bart.
8. Only to dump her again, Len.
Questions You Have When Your Therapist Quits
I can have weirder problems! Will you stay if I say that I think I go for men who are just like my father? Do you ever wonder if the Earth is just like, a reality TV show for aliens? Is that narcissism? One time, I ate toilet paper when I was a kid because I read a story about a goat that ate garbage and I wanted to see what it was like.
I Want You
I am trying to find some flaw — just one — something that would make you unattractive to me, that would end this insanity I’ve been forced into feeling — and I can’t find anything, except the way your shirt rides up a little in the front so I can see your stomach and the way your hands move like they’d feel amazing on my back and then I’m just mashing my teeth again and trying to seem like nothing’s happening.
Something Is Going To Happen
Sometimes if I’m walking with someone I don’t know very well I think about how pieces of a building could collapse on us in a freak accident and then we’d forever be tied by some thing that happened to us that neither of us could control. I think about how embarrassing it would be to watch a stranger bleed out.
The Chris Gethard Show Is The Best Cable Access TV You’re Not Watching
The Chris Gethard Show is part-talk show/part-game show. There’s a house band called The LLC, a motley crew of bizarre panelists and a live musical guest — all corralled by the ringleader Gethard, a slight mad genius, who half-blushes with disbelief/half-delights in each non-sequitor of the show.
Wife Material, Vol. 2: Rihanna
I imagine when aliens land on Planet Earth, the first thing that will happen is they’ll hear “We Found Love” blaring from someone’s car speakers. GREAT introduction to our world.
Things We Could Be More Honest About
One of the biggest problems people have with honesty is that they expect a reward simply for being honest. Being honest doesn’t mean that the other person is obligated to like what you’ve just said.
My Dad’s Finest Moments In Dad-dom
There was a beat. Then, in the best parenting save I’ve encountered anywhere ever, my dad replied, “Yeah, sweetie. I don’t know either.” And that’s how I came to believe “oral sex” meant “talking” for the next six or seven years.
What Internet Commenters Would Say About Famous Writers
Sometimes I think what a shame it is that comment sections didn’t exist back when classic authors were writing their masterpieces. What a wealth of hilarious and insightful critiques we’re missing out on.
Wife Material, Vol. 1: Jennifer Lawrence
You get to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence. Did you see that Madrid El Hormiguero interview where she fired a bow and arrow while wearing high heels? I popped twelve boners and I don’t even have one boner.