Thai Food Is God’s Gift To Humanity
I will never stop lathering my soul in the sweet tang of a Pad See Ew.
Obama Goes To Sleep
Obama imagined writing a poem about this moment, and publishing it on a clandestine Tumblr under a pseudonym, and telling only Bo and perhaps his publicist’s gay assistant’s assistant.
Learning To Masturbate In Colonial Williamsburg
Freedom is #hard.
I Get Advice From A Murderer
This year, like every year, on the morning after Thanksgiving, I will go to jail.
Why Do We Say Sorry?
In the supermarket yesterday, ten people said sorry by the protein.
6 Colors Your Poop Can Be, And What They Mean
Grey Poop: You are an introvert.
New York Is Ending
Take me out of this place. Bring a claw crane like in those machines at the seashore, and pick me up like I’m a stuffed seahorse.
12 Ways To Know If You’re From The Suburbs
Damn those kids with finished basements.
Please Read What I Send You
Don’t wait until the next aurora borealis and then (maybe) read, and then reply: “very thought-provoking!” Shoot me in the face.
How We Really Feel About Bedbugs
You will kiss my triceps hard and suck the blood from my upper arms and it will tickle.