Who knows what it means that I feel so alienated and inside myself that the thought of humoring someone else’s presence makes me feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub? Who knows what that says about my relationship with the person I’m dating? Does it mean we’re not right for each other? Or does it mean I have issues?
Remember 1995? Clinton was on that White House tip, OJ Simpson was on trial, and these fifth graders from Helena, Montana were caught on camera dropping truth bombs about the internet.
Don’t stand in a crowd on sidewalk, in front of an escalator, or in front of a doorway. Why do people do this? The first thing I do when I get off an escalator is continue moving away from the escalator so I won’t be in people’s way.
Should I email them a .gif of Will Arnett saying, “I’ve made a huge mistake” from Arrested Development? Will that get the message across?
I hate to pull a “When I was your age” but when I was your age, months seemed like decades and now? Now, I’ll look back on something that feels recent and it will have happened four years ago. Time doesn’t necessarily mean change for me anymore — and for you, well I’ve seen mere days influence your entire world.
Sending fan mail to people who are only marginally more successful than you are and who will never, ever have respect for you, after this.
Anytime I eat after 4 a.m., it’s predicated upon the excuse of “YOLO.” There should be a sandwich at the deli just named “YOLO.” “I’ll take the YOLO to go and, no, I prefer not to talk about it.”
“He hates answering text messages during the daylight hours.” “He’s just grumpy around people with faces and hair so he doesn’t want to meet any of my friends.”
Waiting until you’ve hidden all of the good DVDs in the collection for yourself and then breaking the news before they have a chance to raid the apartment.
Since I’m from Southern California, I would love to give the impression that I spent my youth as a surfer chick/mermaid who lived in the ocean and went to clambakes in the summertime, but I’d be lying. The truth is that I HATE the beach.