Detachable Penis Envy
It would be another decade until I would lose my virginity to a charitable young lady with suspect taste, but in…
eHarmony Minority Report
Susan and Sang Wang, Wong, or Chong are happy, if by “happy” you mean the sustained countenance of deference, the embracing of Western values (e.g. consumerism, materialism) more so than the West.
Confessions Of A Porn Shoplifter
This was before the internet, kids, when kids back then went to great and precarious lengths to acquire pornographic material.
Ode To A Haiku
She was reading a book at the register — in the contented aura of her own attractiveness, it seemed — slowly masticating on something hard enough to be erotically heard from the aisles throughout which I wandered.
Diagnosing Cornholio
In a “real world” non-cartoon context, Beavis would likely have been prescribed a stimulant (Adderall, Ritalin) for his ADHD, maybe coupled with a mood stabilizer (Xanax, Lithium) and even an anti-psychotic (Seroquel).
This Hater’s Gonna Hate
Walking past a coffee stand, I noticed that the Barista — who was a woman with mannish mannerisms, obviously queer — had a thin mustache which on a “natural” man would have looked pervy.
On Hypochondria
Without God, a partner, five-year plan, or any plan, there’s little in life to consider save one’s premature mortality.
Cat Food Economics
For those who believe they are lonely, whose recent break ups or absent relationships give them something to be sad about, a visit to the cat food section at PetCo may make you feel chipper, for they are populated by special kinds of sad women (colloquially known as “cat ladies”) who stare deeply — purrhaps past, confronting a dark manless void — into the very items (feather on a stick; toy mice; scooper, calming spray) for which they disorientingly came.
Transcription Of A Dream Written Upon Waking
I married into a Filipino family for sexual availability of the sister, to which I would not have been blood-related, and discovered the matriarch only used plastic cups and paper plates, like there were towers upon towers of Dixie plasticware everywhere.
Toilet Paper Life Crisis
Imagine a more pensive and less adventurous Jack Kerouac being not necessarily “on the road,” but on the toilet.