The Art Of The Fart And Depart
What you’re about to do is mean, and unkind, and the opposite of puppies and rainbows. You’re basically the Voldemort of bodily function right now.
No One Else Will Ever Complete You
That’s not to say that I don’t want to love and be loved; just to say that it’s no longer a question of “You complete me.”
I’m Going On A Date With Myself For Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day might be a twee occasion to have this realisation and to act on it, but if the partnered around us can use a frivolous holiday to enjoy romance and hand holding, so can I, even if it might look weird to walk around holding my own hand in public.
I Have Never Had Anal Sex
ex. In the eleven years that I’ve been sexually active, through casual to serious relationships, nary an appendage has penetrated my anus. Not even a finger.
The One
I think that maybe my childhood never really ended, but I’ve got the whole world fooled. They pay me to work, they let me sign a lease, smoke cigarettes, cuss freely, vote. No one knows that I’m just a little girl in big girl’s clothing.
Can We Be Exclusive?
We’re all on constant rotation, unable to commit to a Saturday night party invitation let alone another person. We don’t give ourselves exclusively so we don’t expect it; likewise, we’re so scared of being asked for exclusivity from someone, we become too scared to ask it of someone else.
Well Yeah I’m A Woman Now, But I’m Definitely Not, Like, A Proper Adult Grown Up Or Anything
When you become a woman, nothing and everything is possible. You’re aware of your shortcomings in a different way than a girl is, but you haven’t come to peace with them the way a proper adult grown up is supposed to.
When I Dreamed Of You
I liked you; I don’t know if you knew that, but I think you did. It was pretty obvious. In the afternoons when I’d lie in a hammock and read, and I’d catch you out of the corner of my eye at the far corner of the courtyard, returning from your day, it was hard for me to concentrate. That was my favorite part of the day.
Your Summer Sex
Like a child coming into bloom you’re supple, lithe; you’re wide-awake and just looking for something to rub against, because once a year, for this magical season, there is nothing else but rubbing.
A Non-Disgusting List Of Productive Things I’ve Done On The Toilet
The following is a non-comprehensive list of productive(ish) things I have done while sitting on the toilet relieving myself. Let no time go wasted, no task be completed in isolation from others; “Efficient” is my middle name. Right after “Effluent.”