In a somewhat fortuitous coincidence, it turns out that those who are trying to pick me up are equally as bad as I am at this complex art. Revealing, also, is how easily I will fall for shitty lines. So I guess some of these guys aren’t really so bad at picking up at all… Or maybe they just hit the jackpot when they honed their sight on me. Did you know “gullible” was taken out of the dictionary?
I’ve been in New York for almost a year now, and I have come to one definitive conclusion about how to approach dating in the city: don’t. When I first arrived here with my Friends inspired expectations and suitcase full of clichés, I threw myself into dating like I’d throw myself into a pool filled with $20 bills—hastily and greedily, with an abundance of enthusiasm and gratuitous groping.
Every now and then, a woman releases a song that is so antithetical to all the hard work we’ve been doing in the name of “woman”, it just makes you want to throw your hands up in the air and give her a massive nipple cripple. Really, sister? We’re breaking our backs out here on the front line, and you give us… the anti-girl anthem?
What you are about to learn is in no capacity educational, nor will it help you pick up members of the opposite sex. The only thing to be taken away from the following is that I am hopeless with men. I guess, in one sense, you might find this exegesis helpful, insofar as you let it serve as a warning or A Guide To Things You Should Never Say To People You Want To Sleep With.
Fighting, at some point, will be entirely necessary and unavoidable, so you should do it right. When you care about or love someone, the way you fight with them should always be a reflection of that—the first thing to always keep in mind is that your feelings for the other person are unconditional, they don’t just go away because you’re having a disagreement with them.
So Bey and The Hov have made all my wishes come true by announcing that they will indeed be bringing another little Greek into the world. In the wake of The Most Important Pregnancy Ever, I have a few questions pending The Chosen One’s emergence from the diamond encrusted womb of Queen B.
People don’t always mean what they say when they give you relationship advice, and sometimes their words can be as transparent as a piece of paper wrapped around a leg of fried chicken (mmmmm, chicken…). Here is my take on some of the advice I’ve been given by the people around me.
I’m an elven Liv Tyler steeling against a wraith—if you want me, you can come and claim me. I’m not even packing Hobbit over here, I’m just waiting casually for you to cross whatever obstacle you see in your path. See, I’m tired of touching your thigh just this way, or placing my hand over yours just so; I want you to romance me.
We were not joined at the Twitter feed. We could not trawl each other’s photos online or see the places to which we were both ‘checking in’. We were not in constant textual contact—because none of these things were the communicative signifiers they are now.
Cut to Alcide bursting into the hall where Sookie is lying in Vampire Bill’s guts, trying to hug what is left of him as she sobs hysterically. Eric is standing over her, still shirtless and enchanted. People are still running around screaming. Alcide launches towards Eric and engages him in battle. As they fight, Eric’s pants get ripped off. The fight lasts for half an hour and it’s pretty sexy.