You don’t need to feel insecure if you can learn to believe in yourself, but figuring out how to do that is so hard. When you’re feeling insecure, hold your head up, peer through that cloud of shame and say to yourself, I deserve this.
The invisible neighbor doesn’t make any noise, you never see them, but you are sure they live there because the mailman leaves packages for them downstairs and they disappear enough so you know that somebody is getting them. The question is WHO.
Loving you feels like learning a foreign language. At first it doesn’t make any sense to me and I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong. But the point of learning a language is that the more time you spend with it, the better you get. Love is like being fluent in you.
Spray cologne on our Ds. I don’t know if all guys are doing this, but enough of them are that I have encountered one too many D’s with cologne on it. What am I supposed to say? “Is that Burberry Touch I smell down there? What a delicate flourish!”
My friends tell me that all I need to do is bring a flask of alcohol or pop a Xanax and I’ll be good to go. So if anybody has any extra pills, you know how to reach me!
Should there be race or gender based preferences in hiring and college admissions? What difference does diversity make?
Take breaks/vacations/call in sick. We all have to work so we can have enough money to go to town at the Alexander Wang sample sale, but maybe you should stay home today, sleep in a little late and watch The View.
Since I’m not Facebook friends with your new “boyfriend” I can’t see his profile, but I can see that he went to Vassar, so now I already know what to think. He’s tagged in all of your recent photos, and as soon as I see him I’m thinking, “You picked him over me? Who names their son “Keviin” — it’s not even spelled right.
“I had to answer that 2 a.m. phone call in a low, whispered voice because my friend needed some help with a math problem, and I didn’t want to wake you. Why are you trippin’?”
Bald headed, barefoot, cooch exposed — whatever — in 1999 Britney Spears was everything. She may not be a powerhouse singer a la Adele or Jessie J., but she’s the one artist I actually want to hear remixed. Don’t even come out with an album of original songs — just get to the point and give us the remixes.