Thought.is

2. You’re reading a list that’s so you, paid for by Mountain Dew, but still very much you.

2. Cheese Hands: (Cheetos, whatever flavor of Doritos kids are eating these days)

1. First things first: I’m the realest. (Obviously.) This party needs to be “Fancy,” if only to signify the transition of my “Starbucks Is Life” period to my “No More Drama” phase.

3. You caught yourself defending Guy Fieri in a moment of weakness.

2. You can’t function throughout the day unless you get your morning fix.

Welcome to Facebook Court—a self-serious, overcritical, and never ending justice system.

Welcome to CrossFit Kids! Perhaps you’ve read one of our pamphlets, such as “Double Dutch Much? or “Potty, Training?”

Therapist: I see. Well do you have any idea where you would have developed this sort of behavior—from your parents perhaps?

Ryan is a well-rounded individual, as well as diagonal, congruent, perpendicular, and other geometrical qualities that met our incredibly strict flexible criteria. I had no choice but to hire him on the spot when I found him in my briefcase.