Thought.is

Remember: editors are like your parents. They will give you money in return for you giving them disappointment.

Due to the fact that I am a brilliant journalist that’s willing to try anything to get the story, I bit the bullet and tried church as a hangover cure. Amazingly, I had a lot of fun. I was so placid and malleable that I started getting into it. Every song sounded like Coldplay – who I hate – but when you’re in a White Person Church you kind of have to go with the flow.

“Ok, so, what if you had a t-shirt that was made of so much cottonpoly blend that it was so snuggly that you just died? What if you had a beard just the right mix of masculine and non-threatening that a girl touched it and then she died?”

Anchovies: Your life goals are always far too obtainable, such as playing drums in a Stone Temple Pilots cover band, or graduating from community college.

While the bartender is reeling in fear / getting your order, survey the bar like a garden sprinkler of spite and sexual tension. Think Jeff Bridges from Tron but actually Jeff Bridges from Crazy Heart. You want to make every woman in the bar pregnant just by being in your vicinity. You want to make all men question their life choices. Smack your lips loudly.