The Worst Batman Quotes to Shout Out During Sex
1. “…I’m Batman!” 2. “Whoa! You came down that pole like a pro!” 3. “Just the pussy I’ve been lookin’ for!” 4. “…Where does he get those wonderful toys?” 5. “I’m of a mind to make some mookie!”
Sesame Street Is Trying to Brainwash Your Children With Its Liberal, Leftist Agenda
Shockingly, a conservative writer who gets paid to find evidence of liberal bias in things managed to find liberal bias in a bunch of TV shows — and among these shows was… Sesame Street. Okay; that’s not actually shocking. What is shocking is that a conservative writer decided to bitch and moan about Sesame Street, but missed out on the whole “Bert and Ernie are clearly a gay couple” angle. But oh well.
Stupid Things That I Have Said, Mostly When Stoned
The sad part of this whole article is, I don’t even like being stoned. I am the worst, most stereotypical stoned person in the world. I get paranoid. I get dry-mouthed. I get the munchies. I laugh at stupid TV. I make phone calls that I shouldn’t make. I want to have sex. I say things like: “Please tell me that I don’t have to leave this room,” or, conversely — “I HAVE to go outside, I can’t handle this scene anymore.”
Review Of: Board Games
Monopoly: …Man, what a great game. The best thing about “Monopoly” is this — you get $200 just for passing “Go.” I wish stuff like this happened more often in real life. The only comparison I can think of in real life is when you wake up in bed and someone has made you coffee and breakfast and maybe you get some oral sex out of the deal. Just for waking up!
Review Of: Disney Films
The list of Disney heroines that I’d really like to have hot sex with goes something like this: (1) Belle from Beauty and the Beast. (2) Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. (3) …An-nnd that’s about it, I guess.
Notes On Dating A Crazy Girl
No one ever sets out to date a crazy girl, in the same way that no one ever sets out to become a member of a cult. No one’s like, “HEY MAYBE I’LL JOIN AN INSANE CULT TODAY.” No, you just gradually get sucked in — step by step, day by day, hour by hour — until eventually, you’re just as crazy as she is.
Bizarre "Planking" Craze Sweeps Through Australia
Australia has given us many important things over the years, and — okay, that’s completely untrue. Australia has given us exactly three things over the years: Vegemite, koala bears, and that one episode of The Simpsons where they make fun of Australia. …But now, Australia has gone and provided us with yet another thing: a crazy new trend called “planking.”
The Power of Denial
Consider the following fact. You — and everyone you’ve ever known and loved — will die one day. You can read what I just wrote, and even understand and believe it, but it still doesn’t seem real to you. That’s the magic of denial. Denial is better than booze or drugs or even sex.
“Batman” Is Arrested in Michigan
A 31-year-old man dressed as Batman was arrested in Michigan on Wednesday. Police found him hanging helplessly from the side of an office building, which is great, because it gives us a chance to make fun of him. Insert “Holy ______, Batman!” joke here.
Excerpts From My Fantasy Life
Analysis: …These fantasies are fixated on failure, endings, or disaster. The patient exhibits a dangerously high level of narcissism combined with an annoying level of overwroughtnesss. …Recommend that he be confined to a mental ward immediately.