The 25 Fundamental Aspects Of College You Need To Learn
So, hypothetical young person, I present you with the FUNDAMENTAL ASPECTS OF COLLEGE. …Please to enjoy.
The Best Video Game Ever Made
Very few people would watch, say, Jaws, and shout out to themselves, “Jesus Christ! That huge shark is coming to kill me!” But this is what happens all the time with video games. You don’t say, “Holy shit, Mario’s gonna be crushed by a boulder!” You say, “Holy shit, a boulder!”
Here’s That “Osama bin Laden Is Dead” Song That You Never, Ever Wanted
As we all know by now, the assassination of Osama bin Laden has changed everything, in much the same way that 9/11 changed everything. …But still, how can we truly know that this event was important, until there’s a novelty song released about it? And now, that has happened, thank god.
An Adorable Dog Helped Take Down Osama bin Laden
OHHHH, WHO’S A GOOD BOY? DID YOU HELP TAKE DOWN THE MOST WANTED CRIMINAL ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET? OH YES YOU DID. YES YOU DID.
POLL: Who Would You Rather Bang — Hemingway or Fitzgerald?
Before I start this article, I’d just like to say something really quickly — no homo. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can start the actual article.
A 64 Year-Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Star in a New Terminator Movie; Here Are Your Jokes About That
1) “I need your clothes, your boots, and your catheter.” 2) “Come with me if you want to… make it to Shoney’s in time for the ‘early bird’ buffet.” 3) “Are you Sarah Conner? Seriously, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
Lessons That I Learned From Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Everything that I need to know in life, I learned from repeated viewings of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (With the exception of a few things that I picked up from The Empire Strikes Back.) I have watched Star Trek II approximately 2,703 times; I can quote even the boring parts — like the part where they’re flying the ship out of space-dock. …And today, I would like to share some of the important lessons I have learned from this movie.
BREAKING NEWS: Our President Is Probably Not a Kenyan Splinter-Cell Terrorist
Today, President Barack Hussein Obama released his long-form birth certificate. This binding legal document proves, once and for all, that our President was born in America, and not in Kenya or Indonesia. Other places where our President was not born include the following: Soviet Russia, France, Switzerland, Freedonia, Shangri-La, and the lost continent of Atlantis.
Dirty Talk and Me — Part One, The Bush Years
I dated Stacy in 2004, while I was living in New Orleans, during the precise middle of the Bush years; the year that Bush was running for re-election against John Kerry, the exact year that it started to seem like the whole Bush thing would just never end. (And indeed, it didn’t end for another four years.) It was a bad time for our nation, but a good time — as it turned out — for my sex life.
Jesus Was Way Cool
Well, it’s Easter… again. As a Jew, I remain slightly confused by the concept of Easter — although I believe that it commemorates the day that Jesus brought baked ham and marshmallow Peeps to the Gentiles.