My Life Is Plagued By So Many Unfulfilled Wishes
I wish I could lift up really heavy objects with my bare hands.
When Customers Are Rude, We Servers Have To Smile And Act Like Everything Is Okay
I said, “So, is there anything else that I can offer you tonight?” and one of them just looked up at me and said, “Will you get lost? Can you please just get lost?”
I Stole This Freshly Baked Pie From Some Lady’s Windowsill
You know what’s more American than homemade apple pie? Taking a freshly baked apple pie from some lady’s window.
I Was Sent To Jail Because I Was Mistaken For Being Part Of A Giant Meth Distribution Ring
You know what they say, when it rains, it pours.
Exactly 100% Of Americans Hate Flying And We Only Do It Because We Have To
Flying sucks, but what are you going to do?
The Flash Is The Lamest Superhero In The Justice League
I don’t know, I’m never been impressed with The Flash.
There’s Got To Be More To Life Than Coke, Diet Coke, And Sprite
I hate it when you go out to a restaurant and all they have to drink is Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite.
I’ll Never Be As Cool As When I Drove A 1991 Dodge Stealth
It wasn’t just about buying a vehicle, it was the independence that came along with it.
4 Common Relationship Problems And How To Effectively Deal With Them
No sentence is more ripe with the potential to derail even the most relaxed and stress-free evening with your significant other than, “So, what do you want for dinner?”
Supermarket Candy Aisles Are So Much Cooler When You’re A Sugar-Horny Little Kid
I’d look back at the candy, at those sugar covered peach rings and Skittles and giant peanut looking pink gummy things, and I was like, “Sorry guys, my mom said no.”