Thought.is

I just can’t understand why anyone would want to lug socks from home, rent out stiff shoes that smell like middle school, eat subpar nachos, and chuck some dangerously heavy balls down an alleyway.

If you, too, are this kind of specific P. Diddy — AKA a person who’s constantly on-the-go but whose checking account rarely has a comma in it — take notes. I’m here to instruct you on how to be one part glitzy hip-hop star, one part transient homeless person.

Why is every single male here wearing a striped collared shirt? Does this place have a uniform I should be aware of?

This job requires you to be three things at all times: sober, focused, and responsible for the lives of young people. I am hardly willing to be these things under normal circumstances, let alone while Ke$ha is playing and free booze is being doled out.

The great thing about the 4^th of July is that it gives you a shameless excuse to celebrate the best things about America — excessive food intake, loud noises, and flagrant laziness.

I’ve come to realize that some things about the gym will never stop being weird, no matter how many times a week I show up.

Most of us know there’s a little something out there called Facebook etiquette, consisting of unspoken rules such as changing your profile picture every day makes you look like a narcissistic 7^th grader and if you’re liking my status after six years of zero communication, you’re towing a fine line, ya creep! 

Your dad is a dad, but he’s also just a dude.

He treated me like total gold — he was always buying me jewelry I didn’t want and ice cream I didn’t need, and he used to pull cute moves like decorating my car on Valentine’s day and planning elaborate birthday activities, all of which melted my malleable 16-year-old heart.