Thought.is

It’s never just salad tongs, of course. If somebody has salad tongs in their ass, it’s because they were trying to get the other thing out.

Slash your boss’s tires. “I’m afraid your drinking is getting in the way of your job,” he says. Huh! Well, dickhead, maybe this job is getting in the way of my drinking!

As with any successful product, you need to convince your potential employer that they have a serious problem to which you are the only solution; this is a method most of my ex-girlfriends refer to as “emotional terrorism.”

13. Go back to bed and grab another hour of temporary suicide.

But for all its flaws, this is still a legitimately terrifying book (a snarling, “drunken dogman” has always stuck with me) and one that provided a defining insight for my young mind: adults are really, really freaking miserable.

If you don’t pay attention during the first year of high school Spanish, it’s all downhill from there.

I am a man of constant sorrow. – Urkel Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee? – Albert…

His movies are inherently self-conscious and deliberately artificial, but when he’s at his best there is a genuine undercurrent of emotion submerged beneath those ironic stylings.

So who are the archetypical trio, illuminating human behavior as the Turtles and the Beatles depict foursomes? The Ghostbusters. Duh. Let’s look at the three recurring personality types, employing Freudian terms with the deftness of a college freshman after two bong hits.

With less than a week till this Sunday’s Oscars, 12 Years a Slave is considered the odds-on favorite to win Best…