I’ve compiled a helpful, truncated list, since most of your pathetic, bite-sized attention spans can’t handle any traditional long form. This list has been compiled through much personal trial and error with healthy doses of shame.
The further we march into this new year, the more I desire to recede into the past—to leave our intolerably tolerant modern world and reflect back to a time when people’s feelings didn’t infect every goddamn crevice of our ultimately pointless lives.
I have witnessed firsthand friends—and former lady-killers—mutate into slovenly, fleshy, farty fans of fantastical fights.
I’m from the Boston area, but shared grief makes me nauseous. This constant “Boston Strong” incantation needs to stop.
It’s hard to pinpoint the straw that finally broke PC’s back.
You guys are making it way too easy for me out there.
If you thought white people weren’t confronting these guilt pangs, you’re kind of wrong!
Let’s all support #LateLateNormNorm and make late-night TV dangerous again.
4. Carry umbrellas
Be a man and just walk in the goddamn rain.
Jolly Ol’ Hitler keeps reinventing himself after death, and he’s even more gangsta now than Tupac.