Baseball Courtship Metaphors


With spring in the air, and the new baseball season among us, we earnestly consider the following questions in hopes of shedding light on a vague subject often taken for granted.

If first base is kissing, then are milder forms of endearment (e.g. demure gazing, holding hands, cuddling, etc.) considered “stepping up to the plate”? Or is “stepping up to the plate” simply going on the date?

If she sticks her tongue in your mouth, shouldn’t that be like an extreme “deep into left field” vs. a mere base hit in which the runner was barely called safe? It seems different degrees of base hits should be qualified more.

Second base, per wikipedia, is “tactile stimulation of genitalia”; this does not mention if such stimulation needs to be direct contact with flesh. For example, if a guy “dry humps” a woman who’s wearing denim overalls or a ski-jacket, can he consider himself at second base? At what point does the article of clothing’s thickness preclude second base?

Third base is widely considered oral sex, but I always considered oral sex, well, sex. Isn’t third base actually a home run? If my date performed fellatio on me, I would pretty much consider that a home run. In baseball, a man on third still desires to get home. In real life, a recently blown man would feel extremely “at home,” and a home run would seem mere petty semantics.

A walk is a “technical base hit” in which a woman, perhaps her resolve slowly broken down by the initiating party, kisses the man out of sympathy, or as diplomatic measure to end the date. (In baseball, when there are four balls, a walk is incurred. In sex, when there are four balls, there are two men.) Existentially, aren’t all kisses inextricably walks? Is not the entirety of love merely a set of offensive errors?

If a home run is actual intercourse, aren’t there varying degrees of such pumpation? For example, in baseball there is an “inside the park” home run, where the ball doesn’t go over the fence; there is also an “out of the ballpark” home run, in which the ball’s glorious fate is described in said literal way. Or are men simply glad to score?

A shortstop cleverly refers to a handjob, given that it’s halfway between second- and third-base. Is handjob one word or two? Seems absurd to hyphenate it. If a guy ponders syntax while getting a handjob/hand job/hand-job, does he even deserve one?

A grand slam is a euphemism for a gang bang, technically involving four men, because bases loaded (3) + a home run (1) = four (4). What if there are only three men? Is that called a “home run with two RBIs?” What about a ménage à trois? Do those happen only in Paris, or also basements in Ohio? It seems, at the heat of such moments, the participants are not counting.

Striking out is the worst. It is when a woman rejects a man either (a) explicitly, (b) using “negative” body language, (c) not showing up to the date, or (d) in some extreme cases, getting up under the auspices of restroom necessities and never returning. In baseball, a man has three chances before striking out. In real life, do I even have a chance?

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