Because I Can’t Forgive Her

(if accepted please publish anonymously, thank you.)

I envy the people who have it — the love and the bond your supposed to feel from birth till death. I see them walking together hand-in-hand, smiling and laughing at each other as they walk down the street. They look alike, their smiles are the same, the love in their eyes is so present. A mother and a daughter. Best friends since the beginning. A love and bond I hope to have with my future child, but one I fear I’ll never allow myself to have.

Because I can’t forgive her.

It sucks to say I don’t have that. I don’t share that loving look every time I see her. We look alike, her eyes like mine, and I fear I’m just like her, because then that means I’d become what I’ve spent my whole life trying to escape.

Her.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love her. That’s something I don’t think can change. She loves me too, but we all have our issues, and sadly hers controlled and consumed her for most of my life. Growing up, it was easy to ignore. The nights she was out, when the house was empty and the silence swallowed me whole. I remember when I’d finally hear her footsteps. I could smell that scent that now haunts my dreams and makes me shiver. The smell of her perfume mixed with that godawful liquid that’s controlled and shaped my life before I even knew its name.

It’s weird thinking of it now. How the memories follow me even now as an adult. It’s like I can’t escape it. Not when I now smell that scent on the people I hang out with or out in town on a fun night out. I never thought that scent would become a trigger, a reminder of all the horrible things I’ve forced myself to forget.

I hate the power it holds. The fear it’s placed in my life.

I wish I could forgive her. Better yet, I wish I could forget.

I hate that I had to grow up knowing my parents weren’t perfect. I know it always happens to everyone at some point in their lives, but I grew up already knowing it, and that did something to me inside. I saw how her demons controlled her, how her past guided her actions and caused the slips and mistakes to continue.

She almost lost her life when I was 10, and that didn’t even get her to change her ways.

Drunk, tired, and driving. A second to rest her eyes while behind the wheel resulted in her life coming so close to the end, but she survived. I thank god everyday but also question why. She hasn’t changed her ways even though she says she’ll try.

I wonder when the weight will lift, when I’ll finally feel free. When I’ll no longer worry about her and her choices and finally worry about me. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish, but then again, I don’t care if it does. I think it’s okay to be a little selfish, especially when I’ve spent my whole life watching everything I do.

Being the good kid, never causing trouble. I hate that this sounds like I’m complaining, but I know there are others out there — people with similar stories, similar struggles. I hope this reaches you. I hope you’ve found your path.

I’m still looking for mine, but sadly I think my first step is forgiveness.

God, I hope I can forgive her. One day.