The Best Speech Ever, Ever


Me? I’m a multi-tasker. I chew my granola while walking on the treadmill while watching the news while reprogramming my iPad while doing my homework while having sex. In today’s busy world of stuff, there’s really no other way to be.

You, on the other hand, are lazy. …Which fills me with vague disdain the same way that things fill the GOP Presidential candidates with disdain. Laziness. Socialism. Being of an ethnicity that I don’t like. There’s no excuse for any of that sh-t, and NO, NO, NO. I’M PLUGGING MY EARS RIGHT NOW. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE REASONS, LA LA LA.

The difference between me and you? I’m a go-getter. I’m on the move. No time to sit still. Hence, when I want to get inspired, I don’t hit up church or rescue orphaned kittens or read “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.” …Too time consuming. So instead, I go and watch THE GREATEST SPEECH EVER MADE: a round-up of more than forty inspirational movie speeches, spliced together to make the best thing you’ve ever seen:

I love this video so much, because sometimes I’m all — “Hum de hum de hoo, was majoring in English Literature really such a good idea and I wonder if I have enough money left in my bank account to gradually starve to death” — and then I pop this baby in and I feel better. Instantly.

Let’s watch it again.

Oh god, I can’t tell if it’s the part with Charlie Brown, the part with Peter Pan, or the part with King Aragon that gets me the most weepy.

A few quick notes about the video and then we’ll close this out.

1)      Why yes, that is a 1.2 second clip from the film “The Last Starfighter” about halfway through. Award yourself +300 hipster points for picking up on that.

2)      Bad acting awards go to…

a.  Keira Knightley, who really has a chance at becoming this generation’s Natalie Portman if everything pans out for her. If  only Natalie Portman didn’t already currently exist. And wasn’t the exact same age as her.  Still, even though Keira Knightley is actually English, she hasn’t quite mastered the art of the cyborg-like-English-accent-monotone quite the way Natalie has. Advantage: Natalie.

b.  Brad Pitt. I could watch the “We are lions!” speech a hundred times and never stop laughing. What could he possibly be thinking to himself while giving this speech? “…Menacing… menacing. Lions equal menacing-ness… Menaciciousity. Lions. I. We. You dig?”

c.  Christian Bale, doing the exact opposite of whatever he does in “Batman.”


Anyway. And here, by the way, is the complete text of the “speech” given in the video:

Shame on you. This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re going to let it be the worst — and I guarantee a week won’t go by in your life where you won’t regret walking out, letting them get the best of you. Well, I’m not going home. We’ve come too far! And I’m going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. A day may come when the courage of men fails… but it is not THIS day. The line must be drawn HERE — this far, no further! …I’m not saying it’s going to be easy: you’re going to work harder than you ever worked before; but that’s fine, we’ll just get tougher with it! If a person grits his teeth and shows real determination, failure is not an option — that’s how winning is done! Believe me when I say we can break this army here, and win just one… for the Gipper. But I say to you what every warrior has known since the beginning of time: you’ve got to get mad; I mean plum mad dog mean. If you would be free men, then you must fight to fulfill that promise! Let us cut out their living guts one inch at a time, and they will know what we can do!  Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! You’re like a big bear, man; this is YOUR time! Seize the day, never surrender, victory or death… that’s the Chicago Way! …Who’s with me? Clap! Clap! Don’t let Tink die! Clap! All right! Let’s fly! And gentlemen in England now abed shall know my name is the Lord when I tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our Independence Day!

Indeed. Remember these words. You should recite them to yourself, mantra-like, each morning, while standing naked in the woods and dousing yourself in pure rain-water that has been filtered only through maple leaves. …Know that I do that. Each and every day. And that’s the difference between you and me.

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