Bitches That Fake It Are Ruining It For The Rest Of Us

The female orgasm is a weird and wonderful thing, but it’s not necessarily an easy thing to come by. Of course there are those women who say they “always” cum (groan) and if they happen to be telling the truth I’m going to murder them all and drink their blood so as to suck the easy orgasm mojo right out of them. Yeah, you heard me. I will drink their blood, because I want their secrets, and that’s where the secrets are (I think).

Super orgasmatron women aside (I might want to exsanguinate them but I’m not going to deny a woman her fair pleasure), there are some women who are ruining it for us mere mortals who only orgasm some of the time. The fakers. You know who you are. You bitches who can’t just leave well enough alone and have to reward all sex with some curated moaning and perfectly timed kegels. You are making a mockery of the whole system.

The head fuck that is your faked orgasm is two fold. Firstly, it teaches men that women just cum all the time, that we are cum factories that just splurt out a neverending supply of orgasm into the world. Some men think we just walk around cumming. From it like, rubbing against our jeans or whatever. Like it is just that easy. For a vast majority of us, an orgasm is not a guaranteed outcome of sex. Don’t shoot the messenger; I didn’t write the rules. It follows that it is completely unconscionable to lead men to believe that female orgasm will always be achieved.

Secondly, and I think more importantly, it encourages terrible sex. Different women enjoy different things, and indeed, different things make women climax. But being jackhammered into the bed with pussy burning friction and little to no clitoral stimulation is not a recipe for reaching completion. And you’re a bitch if you would deign to lead any man to believe it were. It makes things incredibly difficult for the next woman he screws. You are like a club promoter, but instead of promoting a club you are promoting bad sex. You are the sex equivalent of leaving a flyer for Fully Sick DJs in a strangers windscreen wipers.

My appeal to all you filthy fakers is this: STOP IT. JUST CUT IT OUT. Those of us who chose to be truthful during sexual congress are suffering for your sins. It’s hard enough to navigate the sexual landscape without having to also juggle the immense task of reversing misconceptions about the female orgasm. That’s basically what the rest of us are doing you know; cleaning up your damn mess. And it’s a big ass mess.

So this is my official plea for female honesty in the bed room. We deserve the truth! No more lies! Stop hiding the truth from the people! Expose all infidels! The truth shall set you free!