Don’t ‘Hold It Against Me’: My Exhaustive Knowledge of Britney Spears


We’ve got some good Britney Spears news today! But before we discuss any new developments in her life, let’s take a look back to see how far she has come.

1981-1997: Child Actress/Singer/DrEaMer

As you all probably know, Britney Spears was on the 1990s revival of The Mickey Mouse Club. She sang (or cooed), danced and performed her way through childhood. She also made sexy eyes with Justin Timberlake, setting the foundation for what was to come. She was cute, young, so…innocent. Sigh.

1997-2003: Not A Girl, Not Yet An Insane Person
Britney burst on to the scene asking someone to hit her one more time and parents were like, “What?” and kids were like, “Yay!” She establishes her contradictory persona, telling people she’s a virgin while appearing half-naked in magazines and feigns confusion when people call her photos and music videos scandalous, telling them that “It’s just dress up. What’s the big deal?” She dates Justin Timberlake and everyone goes bananas over them. They break up, however, in 2003 reportedly because Britney cheated on him with choreographer, Wade Robson. Around the same time, she stars in a movie called Crossroads, which included a scene of a pregnant Taryn Manning falling down the stairs and subsequently killing her unborn baby. She also married some guy in Vegas for 24 hours which turned out to be oddly prophetic.

2004-2008: Um, what’s Wrong With Brit?

This is when things started to get weird. Britney married her backup dancer, Kevin Federline, who was totally disgusting, and popped out two kids. When the two eventually divorced, she lost her damn mind and started hanging out with Paris Hilton, flashing her vagina all over Hollywood. She also shaved her head in a strip mall in Tarzana and started hanging out with this sketchy guy named Sam Lufti who allegedly was drugging her. Her father intervened, putting a conservatorship on her money and had her committed under a 5150.

Gosh, it’s hard to believe that it was only a few years ago when Britney Spears was driving around Los Angeles in a pink wig, sleeping with a paparazzo and getting committed to a mental institution. Today she lives her life largely out of the limelight, preferring to hang out with her boyfriend-agent Jason Trawick- and her two children at home instead of speaking in a fake British accent and checking into lavish hotels to take a nap. Although she released arguably the best record of her career, Blackout, in 2007 the music was overshadowed by her public antics and only kept alive by gay men and die-hard Britney fans (which I guess are gay men). When she became “normal” again, the singer released Circus, a synthy techno-driven dance album that sounded like it could’ve been recorded in 2020 or 1984. The music was 100% Britney: fun, light and inane.

This morning, her new single, “Hold It Against Me,” leaked and boy, is it an Ecstasy-filled romp:

A lot has changed since Britney’s been away. Artists like Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Katy Perry have reinvented the sound and aesthetic of modern pop music, making Britney’s sound completely out-of-touch by comparison. In the end though, it doesn’t really matter. After her meltdown, people became so sensitive to the signer’s fragility that they’ve become protective over her legacy. By overcoming her issues, Britney cemented her status as the Queen of Pop-regardless of what her music sounds like. After all, she’s Britney, bitch.

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