But You Will Heal

When he leaves you, you’ll experience the worst heartbreak you’ve ever known. You will feel the sting his final words brought each time you play them over in your head. You will think the worst has past as you begin to accept his goodbye, until you come to realize those first hours without him were the easiest. Imagining your future without the one person you were so sure of knocks the breath right out of you in the same way he once did and you’ll wonder if you can make it through this alone. You’ll want to turn to the guy who always managed to get you through the tough times and you’ll feel sick as you remember he’s the reason you’re standing here searching for someone to lean on. Your mind will try to process how the man who promised forever could so easily leave you behind with no explanation or how he could give up on the type of rare love you had each found in each other. You’ll ask what you should’ve changed about yourself or what you could’ve done differently. You’ll attempt to understand all of these things hoping it will bring you closure, but it won’t. You won’t be concerned about who’s watching you fall apart now, but hold on tightly to that pride baby, because when you make it out on the other side it’ll be all you have left.

Learning how to live without him won’t come naturally and some days it might even feel impossible. The scariest part about losing someone that you let in so intimately is realizing that at some point you’ll have to fill the hole their departure left. You’ll try to suffuse that void by holding tightly to the memories you’ve collected but the comfort that reminders of him once brought now only generate a deep pain. Eventually you’ll find yourself no longer wanting to remember, but instead hoping desperately to forget. Your mind will beg for a moment of peace from the thoughts that consume it, but always remember no amount of pills or drugs can provide this silence. Your heart will crave relief from the ache it has felt so deeply for far too long, please never forget the inability alcohol possesses to numb the pain. Your body will try to convince you that every man you meet, no matter how short-term his presence may be, is worthy of undertaking the role of occupying that empty space he left within you. Believe me when I tell you, the memories you make, on wild nights with strangers who have forgotten your name before you’ve even left their bed will never be enough to fix you. Remind yourself ceaselessly that you’re far too brilliant to pretend reckless, temporary distractions could ever permanently mend your smashed pieces.

Fixing what he destroyed won’t happen overnight, it may take months or maybe even years. Mending the fragile segments that make up who you are, back together, takes trial and error. You will have stumbled and fallen along the way but one day you will realize that you will be okay. You will discover that you’ve allowed certain memories you once clung tightly to, to fade into the forgotten darkness and that what once held such significance in your heart, you now hardly give a second thought. You will find that he hasn’t crossed your mind in days and you no longer wonder if he thinks about you. You will finally begin to comprehend just how tiring it is to carry around the shattered fragments that have so long defined you. You’ll learn to accept that you can never go back to the person you were before him and part of you will be thankful for the things he taught you without even meaning too. You’ll look back on how you loved and lost with no regret, only a bit of nostalgia. Missing him no longer feels like you’re suffocating and when you imagine the future you embrace yourself as your own hero, instead of the man who only ever let you down. Moving on won’t always be such an effortless task but as for the present, everyday is only getting easier. You now know that healing is inevitable, eventually you’ll have put yourself back together, and it will be beautiful.