Calling Someone A “Douchebag” Is Hate Speech


Comrades, allies, and fellow travelers, at some point the question needs to be asked: At what point does calling someone a “douchebag” become hate speech?

As everyone knows, hate speech isn’t free speech, and it isn’t protected by the First Amendment. There is a line between free speech and hate speech. It’s a real line. It is objectively and scientifically real. It’s even on a map. You can look it up!

Maybe you should read a book sometime and shut your fucking privileged mouth, and then you’d realize that a little book called THE U.S. FUCKING CONSTITUTION makes no mention of the word “douchebag.” Look it up! Just as the Founding Fathers couldn’t have anticipated that you’d be able to buy baby-killing machine guns at Walmart, they had no idea that in the 21st century, people would be maligning cisgendered males by calling them “douchebags.” I’m also pretty sure that none of the Founding Mothers ever called any of the Founding Fathers a “douchebag,” either. This is a simple FACT. Deal with it. Period. Case closed. End of discussion. End of story. It’s even the end of the discussion you have after reading the fucking story.

What the Constitution does protect, however, is the right of everyone, no matter how absurdly sensitive or mentally unstable or generally annoying, to have their feelings protected as if everyone was a baby bird shivering in a cold nest on a frosty winter’s morn. It grants the US government the right to seize someone’s person and property and throw them in jail for life if they make someone cry. Again—read the fucking Constitution, you stupid lowlife pieces of shit who deserve to die.

We are a society. We are one. We live as one. We breathe as one. We think as one. And if someone isn’t one of us, they obviously deserve to be exterminated. If someone somewhere says something that hurts somebody’s feelings, it’s only logical to think that if they aren’t immediately thrown in jail, they will think it’s OK to say hateful things and then start killing people. We, as a society, should not tolerate such intolerance.

You call these so-called “douchebags” primitive knuckle-draggers who are on the wrong side of history. Don’t you realize that’s EXACTLY what the racist purveyors of Manifest Destiny said about the bold and noble Native Americans as they were slaughtering them?

Do you realize how sexist the word “douchebag” is? Don’t you realize that the douche was designed ages ago by indigenous European tribesmen as a cleansing feminine product engineered to make a woman’s lady parts smell less offensive than they naturally are? How fucking dare you culturally appropriate a word designed and meant to improve women and apply it to men? If you’re able to even look at yourself in the mirror without cutting your head off, I suppose that’s because you’re a sociopath.

Do you realize how racist the word “douchebag” is? I’ve never heard a Strong Black Man called a douchebag. Why? Do you hate black men? Are you trying to tell me they don’t talk about women in demeaning ways, wear cheap cologne, and bond with one another in what should be openly mocked as a homoerotic manner? Why are you excluding them from this all-white country club? Racist much?

Do you realize how homophobic the word “douchebag” is? If you’d open your fucking eyes and think critically for a moment, you might notice that our media and Twitter never refer to gay men, lesbos, and the transgendered as “douchebags.” Coincidence? Exclusionary much?

Do you realize how Islamophobic the word “douchebag” is? Muslim men can be merrily raping and torturing and beheading women. They can be stoning gay men to death. They can wear cheap cologne and sail across the Riviera bare-chested while hooting at the ladies, yet I’ve never heard one of you afford them the luxury of being called a “douchebag.”

The word “douchebag” is also anti-Semitic, for obvious reasons.

As a cisgendered white male, I am an ally of the untold millions of American males who don’t speak with a lisp or wear girl jeans or collect Star Wars memorabilia or like Robin Williams, and I have had fucking ENOUGH of the hate and the persecution and the dehumanizing speech that is casually tossed our way as if there was something “OK” and “acceptable” about it.

Y’alls need to STOP maligning the natural wonder drug known as testosterone and fearing it with a Reefer Madness level of absurd paranoia. This wonderful hormone enables men to be enticed by women’s bodies at some point during puberty, whereupon they impregnate the woman, which leads to the miracle which we all know as “life.” Without testosterone, y’alls wouldn’t be here. Bow down.

Go ahead, I fucking DARE you: Tell me you don’t feel pure HATE when you call someone a douchebag or when you call them a “piece of shit” who “needs to die.” You are obviously seething with so much hate, you could fill Oprah Winfrey’s vagina with it. You think your motivation is “justice.” It is not. It’s hate. That’s a FACT. Read a book. Look it up.

So again, I must ask: At what point does calling someone a “douchebag” become hate speech? The question answers itself: At the very utterance of the word “douchebag.” So don’t say it, or we’ll post your home address online and encourage people to kill you.