Can You Please Explain These 14 Types Of People To Me?

Phish heads. Yoga freaks. Wine enthusiasts. I may not agree or identify with you, but hey – I get it. However, despite my best attempts at being charitable to my fellow human, I simply do not get these types of people:

People Who Sit in the Middle Seat On Not-Full Flights

You can pick your seat ahead of time, which I guess some people don’t know. I find this perplexing as sitting in the middle seat on any kind of substantial trip is popularly regarded as a fate worse than death.

People Who Wax On About Miley Cyrus For More Than Thirty Seconds

Boy, oh boy. Are you done yet?

People Who Post Very Literal Photos on Social Media

Wow, look! You made eggs for lunch! Oh snap, look at those clouds – and with #nofilter! Hey, here’s a picture of a coffee cup! Thanks.

People Who Have A Giant Phone Or Tiny Tablet

I get carpal tunnel just looking at some people’s giant smart phones. And mini tablets – isn’t that why we have iPhones? One time a guy sat next to me on a plane who had BOTH a giant phone AND a tiny tablet. They were maybe 2 inches different in size. What’s the deal with that? What are you trying to do? What’s your end game?

People Who Take Driving Selfies

Ok, I really don’t get this. Why are you sending me video of your evening commute home, listening to 90’s music? Are there people who both care about you and also look forward to seeing you bobbing your head to 311, risking your life behind the wheel to share this special moment with near-strangers? I really feel like I’m missing something here?

People Who Only Dress In Outdoor Gear From REI

It’s clear and sunny. You have a water-resistant hat on and are carrying your day’s worth of school books in a backpack meant for a two-week-long hiking expedition. Are you just “always-on”, ever ready for that chance natural disaster or zombie apocalypse? Or do you just need another chance to bring up your recent trip to Nepal? I’d guess neither. Go get some regular clothes, dude.

People Who Don’t Drink Beer

I seem to know a lot of people who are repulsed by beer. “Oh it’s so heavy.” “It doesn’t get you drunk.” “Too many calories.” Blah blah blah. An ice cold can at a back yard house party, a fresh pint of beer with a burger, a Pacifico with your tequila – these are some of the finest moments life has to offer, and you are missing out. I feel sorry for you. 🙁

People Who Only Drink Beer

It’s so heavy, and it takes forever to get you drunk! Not to mention the calories. I can’t drink 10 bottles of anything, let alone foamy bread water. Getting blasted on beer is work.

Picky Eaters

Food allergies and lifestyle choices I get, but picky eaters just baffle me. I met a girl recently who flat-out won’t eat fruit. Any fruit. Ever. Like, how are you going to argue with pineapple? You are closed off to even the idea of pineapple. That’s sad.

People Who Wear A Shirt While Swimming

I get what you’re trying to do. I also get that we both know it’s not working. Yet here we are.

People Who Wear Abercrombie

You either a) have not purchased clothes in the last decade or b) have purposefully walked into an Abercrombie & Fitch in the last decade….what’s the deal?

People Who Are Way, Way Into Sports

So you’re super pissed that a bunch of dudes didn’t run as far as they did last time or something. K.

People Who Don’t Like Family Guy

C’mon, that shit is funny. The dog can talk!

People Who Liked Avatar

That movie was terrible. Lol. For real, though.