Check Out These White People That Don’t Know Hercules Wasn’t Real


July 25th is marked off on my calendar, and not just because it’s the anniversary of the first time I red-socked my asshole on a Sybian, it’s also the release date of the new Hercules movie starring the Rock. My tickets are purchased, my schedule is cleared, my pussy is wet.

I was a huge fucking fan of the Hercules series on television. A lot of people actually tell me I look like Xena, Hercules’ lesbian friend who eventually earned her own spinoff. Back in the 1990s, internet pornography wasn’t as readily available as it is now, and there was still a huge stigma attached to women going and purchasing masturbation aids in stores. Basically, the only things we could touch ourselves to were Joe Isuzu commercials (he looked like my dad) and Kevin Sorbo’s forearms. With his aging surfer aesthetic and his velvety voice, I spent many an afternoon pruning my fingers to the mental image of Hercules gentling railing me out like one of those ladies on the covers of grocery store romance novels.

But, even as a casual viewer that only watched the show to masturbate, I was at least somewhat aware of the fact that the show was a work of fiction. I mean, they’re were dragons. Hydras and shit. I never really considered the possibility that someone could have confused Hercules for a period drama.

Apparently I was wrong. Now that the new Hercules is on its way, white people have flocked online to decry the casting choice. Not because the Rock isn’t big enough or because he’s a bad actor – I mean let’s be honest, Sorbo is a garbage actor and he looks like he does girl pushups – but because the Rock is apparently not the same race as Hercules; the historical figure that actually existed:

Well – hopefully The Rock took this into consideration and tried to white up his performance. I feel like seeing a muscleman fight a dragon using magic he acquired from Gods would require a little bit too much suspension of disbelief if he weren’t also white.

Oh well. I’ll still see the movie, and I’ll still masturbate in the movie theater. But, there’ll always be a special place in my heart for the REAL Hercules. The one with girl hair. The one that truly stands up for good against evil. The white Hercules: