Chocolate Makes You Fat And Love Makes You CRAZY


Phew, you just made it out of the new year month of January, where you set exhausting goals, your work expected some “Remember the Titans” miracle, and you still looked fat because you only went to the gym 8 times (you found out your ex goes there and you were no longer concerned about that resolution). February seems innocent, but comes with an eerie underlying animosity and hostility that you don’t quite understand at first.

“BING BING BING” goes your brain once you realize that it is the LOVE MONTH.

In your case, it’s the absence of love month. You heave an airy giggle each time someone brings it up and you make half truth jokes that you feel utterly alone, and on Valentine’s day you’re going to send yourself flowers. For some strange reason, every male in the world (except for the exceptions) don’t realize that Valentine’s day is coming up, just like they never realize you dyed your hair, or lost 10 pounds, or wanted a reply to your text, or wanted any sort of emotion at all because it’s LOVE MONTH EVERY MONTH.

They sit on the couch with their other dude friends and watch basketball and fight with each other about which team drafted the wrong players, while every girl is at home with their best friends eating cookie butter from Trader Joes and yelling at each other about what to text.

“And then I said this!”

“And then he said this!”

“That means he likes you!”

“He’s BUSY”

But every soul in that room has seen “He’s Just Not That Into You” and they KNOW that… he’s just not that into her. However, none of them would ever be caught dead telling their other friend that the half hearted chumpy male they can’t stop talking about has the “I can do better than her” fever.

Want to feel violently insecure this February? Hang out with your friends that HAVE relationships. They’ll let you know that you’re single as the Loch Ness monster, as well as remind you that you’re not going to have anything sitting on your desk on Valentine’s day because you and everyone else you date has commitment issues. You’ll be single forever and your parents will be upset that you never gave them grandchildren. You can go to the store with them and help them pick out a present for their significant other, but feel a pang of jealousy because if you see a present for yourself this month, you’ll also see a decrease in your savings account.

Pink is the most putrid Pepto Bismol color that only reminds you of heartburn, and chocolate is the only thing keeping you going (if you’re not starving yourself to find a boyfriend).

“I LOVE BEING SINGLE!” You tell all your friends, co-workers, and relatives. After you finish that sentence, your wretched-awful forced smile sinks into a sideways stare with a sour shaped mouth. Hopefully nobody sees your pain though, because they all seem so content being single.

Everyone wants love in February, and they think back to the days in middle school and elementary school when all they had to do was decorate a shoe box to get the attention of the boy they adored, and they wonder what went wrong. What is this awful game of hearts, and why do we celebrate it conveniently in the month we’re the MOST VULNERABLE!

The truth about love month is that every other month of the year we have these exact same feelings, but we don’t have them pressed into our faces like the chocolate & Netflix combination we can’t get enough of. We love to hate February, we love love, and we hate that we don’t have love.

However, it is absolutely wonderful to be single on Valentine’s day because nobody gets offended if you’re bitter on social media, you don’t have to spend any money, and you don’t have to worry about setting up a date that would be better without the expectations of romance and magic. Love comes, but the preconceived misconception that Valentine’s day will be a mixture of Frank Sinatra, chocolate flavored kisses, and pink blush will only make the surprise of finding love on your own time seem that much better.

Flowers die, chocolate makes you fat, and love makes you “crazy.” Have a happy Valentine’s day, and love yourself before you love anybody else.

image – Flickr / 1la