Come On, Don’t Be THAT Guy


They grind Peter Griffin’s gears. They make Red Forman stick his foot up an ass. They make me think about owning a mischievous poltergeist. I’m speaking of course, of Pet Peeves. Everyone has their own nuances and quirks, and because of these, different little things set them off. I asked some friends, and got some ideas, and this is what we came up with as a list of things we could do without in public anymore.

When you’re driving, and you are turning onto a street with two lanes in each direction, instead of getting in the occupied lane causing the other driver to have to slow down or change lanes, simply merge into the unoccupied lane. The people who don’t do this deserve to have a small child placed in the backseat, and have that child equipped with an unlimited supply of small perch to barrage the driver. Don’t be that guy.

Speaking of transportation, if you’re biking down a one way road, and there are no cars on the street, get off the sidewalk. There is a time and place to mount the sidewalk (going the opposite way down a one way…), and with a neighboring empty street is not one of them. Don’t be that guy.

As a writer, I make a lot of grammatical errors in original drafts. The most common occurrence is when I edit half a sentence, but forget to change the word at the front end. Anyway, it makes me a hypocrite, but I really hate grammatical errors in texts. Do not is that guys.

Also, don’t be the guy who actually says something about someone’s grammar. That guy is even worse than the person who made the initial error. It was a mistake, and they happen. So don’t be that guy either.

If you’re living in an apartment with a variety of people, you’ll learn each others’ strengths and weaknesses as roommates. While there are a lot of things to discuss, like these, the most obnoxious is the dishes situation. Please, after cooking a big meal, don’t just pile up all the dishes in the sink for the next day. Your three roommates deserve to be able to use the sink and dishes. Don’t be that disgusting guy.

I love a good personalized ringtone. Outside of obvious examples, I don’t think a random outburst of “Eye of the Tiger” is a bad thing. However, I can’t stand when people have their texting sound on. You know the one that makes a little click every time it does something? It’s constant and ominous tapping is nerve-racking. Please don’t be that guy. (Although this one just makes me look semi-Monica-esque).

When in college, I had a motto. Never stop walking. It applied to my daily walk from home to class to work to library and the such. Our city was a decently big grid, with two major one ways that paralleled each other. Crossing these streets on a diagonal when the lights stop was by far the most efficient way to class. Conversely, being stuck on the gridlock poses the problem of slow walkers. These groups, typically 2-4 people, slow the sidewalk traffic for all those involved. Don’t be those guys.

Now, I bet you’re thinking that I’m just ranting about a bunch of little first world problems. And you’re right. I am. But here’s where I’m going to swing the game around. Here’s a possible approach to take in a few of the previously mentioned situations.

If you encountered the aggressive driver, the best thing you can do is avoid a conflict. Cars are one of the most costly items to bring into a situation. Don’t let a little road rage empty your bank account. Instead, take a couple breaths, and as I once heard from my stoned uncle, don’t get mad at drivers, just pretend they’re you’re grandma, and you’ll be okay. I’ve since seen this on a variety of billboards and tumblr posts, so I don’t know if he coined or cozened it, but regardless, it works.

As to the biker, I’ve approached it a variety of ways. Ignore it. Nothing happens and nothing changes. Shout at them. They yell back and both sides are now slightly more annoyed. Politely ask the person to get on the road. Fifty percent chance they oblige. Fifty percent they tell you to go f*@k yourself. Best option for personal happiness is the last one.

If you encounter slow walkers, the best thing to do is start a witty banter under your breath between an Irishman and a Brit describing the happenings of a horse race. Slowly gain ground on the slow-walkers, and as you get closer, increase the volume of the announcers. When you get near them, make a tremendous finale and lunge your chest forward just as you pass along the outside. Have the Irish announcing voice exclaim the slowest comeback of all-time due to a blockade of slow racers at the front. Continue your day.

In general, pet peeves are just that. Little things that you probably need to ignore. You’ll be okay after a few deep breaths. Trust me.

image – Johan Larsson