Comparing Guys In Terms Of Chocolate


Milk Chocolate

This is the blonde hair, blue eyes, high school quarterback kind of guy. Milk chocolate is undeniably the most popular type of chocolate out there. We all think of the classic Hershey’s bar when craving milk chocolate. This guy is the one every girl wants to date and drools over. They wish he would just pick her to stumble upon and ask her to prom. If you’ve ever seen “She’s All That,” milk chocolate is Freddie Prinze Jr.—the most popular guy in school who we can’t stop staring at. We never break apart just one square of Hershey’s milk chocolate, cause we are left always coming back for more. We all want some of that milky perfection to stroke our lips and never leave.

Dark Chocolate

Dark chocolate is the guy that mom and dad want you to date. According to just about a million different studies, dark chocolate is somewhat good for you and the healthiest of them all. Apparently it has antioxidants and all this good stuff that berries provide as well. This type of guy is the one who gets good grades, obeys all the rules, and is a little quiet in class. This guy knows he’s good at what he does, but doesn’t brag about it like milk chocolate does. Nutritionists will say, “If you’re craving something sweet, pair some dark chocolate with a handful of almonds,” and I’m just like “nah gurl I want that that badass white chocolate drizzled over some pound cake topped with whipped cream and swirled together in a mountain of gluttonous fudge mmmmmmmm.” Everyone wants you to go with dark chocolate but for some reason you just don’t. It tastes good but the other options are better. Yet you know in the end, dark chocolate is totally hubby material.

White Chocolate

Like I said before, white chocolate is absolutely my favorite type. However, white chocolate is comparable to straight up sugar—there is no cacao in it, which is the main thing that qualifies some chocolate as healthy. White chocolate is the less popular douchebag that you can’t seem to figure out. It looks different than all the other kinds and tastes a lot sweeter. You know that he’s not good for you, but you crave it. You crave that mystery of why he’s like that way—what insecurity is he hiding behind that angelic, white curtain? Your parents will say to beware of white chocolate, and most of you will, and most people won’t say white chocolate is their favorite kind either. But then there are times when all you do is yearn for that unhealthy bite.

Chocolate with Nuts

This guy is the weirdo. You’re not really sure at first to take a dive into this one, especially when you’re young and naïve. It’s like that guy in class who everyone knows is a little weird but you end up having this thing for him over time. It’s the acquired taste of not really liking your nuts mixed with the decadency of chocolate, but then after awhile it hits you: ya know what, this ain’t that bad. The nutty kid in class is actually kinda cute, right? It’s like the awkwardness we see in Michael Cera where he just grows on you and you inevitably just fall in love with the adorable weirdness. Hershey’s with Almonds is no one’s go-to candy bar, but we still like it. Like if someone asks, “Who’s your dream guy?” it’s unlikely that you’re gonna go for Michael Cera over Mr. Milky Brad Pitt. But that’s okay. Since all these studies of the health benefits of nuts have been conducted, maybe one day our nutty Michael Cera will replace our typical Mr. Milk Chocolate.

Chocolate with Peanut Butter

This guy is a fucking mess. He’s the sloppy dude that everyone likes anyway because he doesn’t care what you think and just wants to have a good time. He’s the guy at the party that is doing kegstands and photobombing pictures like an absolute animal. His parents probably think he is some sort of nightmare in school but they love him anyway for being true to himself. We love peanut butter on practically anything, and especially paired with gooey chocolateness. He stands out, just like the taste of thick, creamy peanut butter, and he really changes the vibe of the whole party. You don’t think you’ll ever date this guy, but you’re at least always gonna keep him around. Oh, and screw the reduced fat kind. This is the guy who is trying to be as cool as regular peanut butter and chocolate but falls short in every way possible. Would you trust a reduced fat Reese’s if you saw it? I don’t think so. 

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