First of all, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. This is not a crush. I did not look at him that way when he said that thing. No, no, I did not — oh, please. OH PLEASE. I did not get ‘all weird’ when he hugged me and it lingered and his face was up against my cheek for that second. Did that even happen? I don’t even think that happened, actually, now that I think about it. You’re making this stuff up because you’re bored and lonely. I’m just living my life, man. You do you, okay? I don’t even care about this love stuff. That’s not even where I’m at lately. I’m way too busy at work right now. I have other things going on. I’m in a whiskey tasting group. I’m really into whiskey. Did you even know that about me? You didn’t even know that about me, probably.

But hey do you have a second? Because I texted him about that thing we did last week and then he texted back something that I think was flirty and then I texted back something that was definitely flirty, we repeated the whole back-and-forth once more and then he didn’t respond at all. I’m talking, like, radio silence. What does that mean? I can’t say anything now, right? Those are the rules, right? I definitely shouldn’t email him until he responds. I know that. I said I know that, okay? Jesus. I’m not a child. I obviously can’t say anything to him until he responds unless we randomly bump into each other at his favorite bar or near his job or in the bushes outside of his house or something. I mean, duh. Those are the rules of engagement. But what if he likes something on my Facebook wall? Do I have to wait for a comment or is just the like enough? That’s a legitimate form of communication now, I think. A like or a favorite or an upvote, even? That really does say something, actually. Then can I send him the Someecard about ‘real and or imaginary sex’? You know the one. No, it’s fine. It’s his sense of humor he’ll love it. Oh, will you stop being such a Puritan about this IT’S FINE.

You want me to tell him what?

That I like him?

Excuse me.


Okay I’m back. No, no, I know you were kidding. That was really funny. No, that was good. Timing, tone, delivery. Spot on. Maybe just a little too unbelievable, though. Like anyone would ever in a million years do something so crazy as break the cardinal rule of crushes, which is telling someone that you like them when you like them.

Because here is the great lie about crushes, internet: we pretend that they are precursors to relationships, when in fact they are a major sign that the two persons involved will never be in one together. The generally accepted potential outcomes of coming clean with your feelings are as follows:

ONE: “Hi, I like you.” “You like me?” asks your crush. “Wow, I like you too!” *stars

TWO: “Hi, I like you.” *awkward silence “Uh, thanks,” says your crush. “That’s really flattering.” *you die

And let’s face it, folks, the odds are not in our favor. If the odds were in our favor — if there was a very good chance of scenario ONE coming to pass — we wouldn’t be having this conversation on account of we would be very busy flirty texting with that dude. He would be flirty texting us back. We would not be asking for advice. We would be saying “oh, man, I met this cute guy and he’s so effing funny and he just asked if I want to hang out and I said yes” because THAT IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN THIS SHIT WORKS.

When it works, there is no crush. There’s no time for crushing. When we like him and he likes us it’s magic. Nothing keeps us apart. Attraction becomes hang out sesh becomes make out sesh becomes fat babies gurgling on a high chair. Becomes Level Nine baby-making marathon, is what I’m talking about. Fireworks. Becomes him helping you move furniture around your house and the two of you eating Thai food in your underwear giggling about the stupid thing your shared frenemy said at the park. Because you’re in a healthy, budding relationship, and that is what a healthy, budding relationship looks like.

So we say nothing to our crush, and everything about our crush — from his beautiful middle name to the clever thought he had about superheroes to the weird (HOT) thing his lip does when he smiles — to our friends. Our poor, poor friends. Because we know that, actually, if we’re in this place of questions, this horrible place of crush, the object of our affection is almost certainly not interested enough to make this happen, which no one wants to believe on account of it’s Suck City.

Anyway, have I told you about the way he looked at me when our hands accidentally touched after that party?

Because then he said “what’s cooking, good looking?”

What does that mean, do you think? 

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