Date A Girl Whose Parents Own A Skittles Factory


Date a girl whose parents own a Skittles factory. On your first date, suggest the two of you take a leisurely evening stroll through the 150,000 square foot building managed by her father that produces several thousand packages of Skittles per week. See the smile that slowly tugs at the corner of her lips when she realizes you both have the same favorite color: red, like strawberry milkshake Skittles.

Cook dinner for her at her place, and don’t be afraid to ask for one or five packs of Skittles before your meal. There’s no need to be embarrassed. Her parents own the factory that made them. Feel the flutter in your heart when she tells you, “I think I’m falling in love with you,” and be sure to run your fingers through her hair before tenderly replying, “Hey, can I have another pack of Skittles?”

After six months, join her at her family reunion. Meet her mother for the first time, a tall woman with broad shoulders named Janet, and tell Janet you can see where her daughter gets her beautiful emerald colored eyes, glossy and bright, kind of like two green Skittles. Tell her strong-jawed father Joseph how much you admire him. Stand strong when he pulls you aside to ask you about your intentions, telling you that he knows men your age only have one thing on their minds: candy.

Look him straight in the eye when you tell him you love his daughter, and one day, you plan to marry her, start a family, and eventually take over the day-to-day operations of running the Skittles factory, but assure him that that’s totally secondary to the marrying part.

When she asks you what you and her father were talking about, give her a confident grin, pop a banana berry tropical Skittle into your mouth, and tell her it’s nothing for her to worry about.

Your first fight will come suddenly and without warning when she catches you with a mouthful of Skittles while you’re making love. Whatever you do, don’t try to calm her anger by calling her your “adorable little Sour Skittle,” as this will only make things worse. Kiss her gently on the lips when she accuses you of only dating her to get access to an unlimited supply of artificially flavored, dye soaked candies. Don’t bring up the fact that she has her own faults as well, like how she always wants to go out to movies or concerts on weekends even though there’s a perfectly good Skittles factory where the two of you could be spending your time. Remember that her faults are overshadowed by her positive attributes: the volume and meaning of her blonde curls, the distinctive way she giggles at even your worst jokes, the seemingly endless boxes full of Skittles produced at the factory you will one day take over. Don’t get discouraged. Stick to the plan.

And most importantly of all, never take her for granted. Ignore the rampant romanticization of the articles you’ll come across that say you should date a girl who reads, or date a girl who travels, or date a girl who smokes, or date a girl who paints. Know that there is nothing you need in life but her, and the yellow, green, red, purple, and orange confectioneries that you will never have to pay for again.

See the rainbow. Taste the rainbow. Date the rainbow.