Dear Dad: I May Not Be Enough For You, But I’m Finally Enough For Myself

I’m sorry, dad. I don’t know where I messed up along the way, but I’m glad I did. I think about you every day. I think about how I wasn’t enough for you, how I sat and begged you to care, everything that went wrong. I don’t see how a little girl could do anything to make her father not love her, but I thank past me for it happening. It was hard—it still is—but without you being in my life, I’ve been able to focus on me for once in my life.

See, I was always too worried about being enough for you and making you proud of me that I forgot that I need to be enough for myself first. All I ever wanted was for you to say that you were proud of me. Subconsciously, I still want that. I got accepted into all the colleges I applied to; I even have art schools reaching out that I haven’t applied to. These should mean something to me. I should be jumping up and down excited, but instead I cry over the fact that it doesn’t change how you feel about me. Because in reality, nothing I ever do will be enough for you. I know that, and that’s why I’m saying goodbye.

I refuse to let myself feel like I’m never going to be enough for anyone because I’m never going to be enough for you. I have changed so much over the years, and these years showed me that I have a huge heart, that I have a large personality and strong opinions. I may not be the prettiest or the nicest, but I would be proud to have me as a daughter, and I can’t help that you don’t feel the same way.

I’m sorry, not because I’m not enough, but because you are too blind to realize how hard I’ve tried for you and how much effort I’ve put into this one-sided relationship.

I’m sorry because, when your youngest daughter BEGGED you to care even the slightest bit, it was too much. And because of this, you’re losing her.

It’s not fair to me to put myself in a situation where I constantly get hurt, and I absolutely refuse to change who I am to prevent this.

I love you so much, and I think about you every day. I miss you often, yet I just want to be enough. I may not be enough for you, but I am enough for so many more important people. People that have been there for me and cared about me through everything.

You taught me that even the people who mean the most to you can also be the one to rip your world apart, and that’s okay. You need to be vulnerable sometimes, but only until it comes to the point where you need to protect yourself. That’s what I’m doing. I doubt you’ll care, but in case you do, I’m sorry.