Dear Future Boyfriend
By Sam Kassé
Dear Future Boyfriend,
Naturally, before reaching this point you have passed preliminary evaluation with flying colors. Therefore you are respectful, witty, and let’s face it, attractive. So here we are, in a full on committed relationship, Facebook status’ updated to let everyone know we are no longer on the market.
I want you to think of this letter as a sort of, expectations cheat sheet. Featuring a hybrid of my quirks and your boyfriend obligations. So as not to overwhelm you, I’ll keep it short and sweet — like me!
Firstly I would like to address my habit of obsessing over things. It might be a book, or a TV show, but it is sufficient to say that at any given time my mind is consumed by the lives and goings-on of fictional characters. I will talk about them endlessly, and look for excuses to bring them up in every day conversations. All I ask is that you listen to my ramblings and nod at appropriate intervals, giving me the illusion that you are at least moderately interested in what I am saying. Listen, I know that you have heard me lament about those two characters on that show that need to just get together already! (I am looking at you The Mindy Project) And I have read and re-read you my favorite parts of ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ to the point you can regurgitate them in your sleep. Just allow me, these moments of fangirling. If it is any consolation in a few months I will be on to my next obsession, and you won’t have to hear about my current one again! Well, not until the movie version of the book comes out, and season two of the show premiers.
I’m not going to expect you to sing along with me when a love song duet plays on the radio, and don’t worry I am not one to give you a pet name let alone call you by it in public. As far as nauseating couple behavior goes, my only requirement falls on the weekend surrounding October 31st. That’s right dear boyfriend, Halloween. Answer me this, what exactly is the point of being in a relationship on Halloween if you do not get to fully immerse yourself into the festivities by having a couples costume? Besides, look at all the options available to us. From superheroes to cartoon characters, to historical figures, and even inanimate objects. Surely two intelligent people such as ourselves can agree on a costume that tells everyone around us without them asking that we are an item. That we go together like Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, Batman and Catwoman, eggs and bacon — you get the idea.
Finally, the only time that it is acceptable for you to lie to me, is when it comes to my hair. If I have done something disastrous to my tresses, be it cut or color, trust me I am well aware of the fact. My self-esteem will be at a low, and I will be feeling hideous and vulnerable. I have most likely already sent photographic evidence of my mistake to my sisters and friends, who have all confirmed, that yes, it really is, that bad. So when you see me, and I ask for your opinion, just lie. Don’t over compensate by showering me with compliments, I am not a moron, I know it’s awful. A simple “I think it’s cute!” will suffice. Even though I know you are lying through your teeth, the gesture will be appreciated.
Now those are not so bad are they? On a scale of one (do I even have a girlfriend?) to ten (my girlfriend is insane!) I believe these fall at around a four.(my girlfriend has realistic and achievable expectations.) If you think about it, you are actually lucky, how many other guys do you know get a reference guide into their relationship! This is why dating me, was a good idea.
Your girlfriend,
Sam.
PS: We’re getting a puppy.