Dear Self, This Is How You Will Love Again


Dear self,

I think that these are the words you need to listen to after all the hurt you have been through. So here we go:

You have been through a lot. You have been hurt over and over again. You have a lot of scars as the evidence of the battles you have been through. You have succeeded so far against all odds. Yes. The odds were that you would be defeated. The odds told you that you are not going to make it out alive. You were challenged constantly to undermine yourself. You were told that you do not matter. But look at yourself. You made it. You have always made it. You have shut up the people who want to see you fail. You have made people who want to bring you down regret ever treating you bad. You have made quite a life for yourself. You are in a place where you never really thought you can be and you have made great friends and families along the way. You found love, you found a new life, and you have seen more of the world. You have been able to get out of your comfort zone and achieve things beyond what your mind could comprehend. People are starting to notice you than before. You have felt more appreciation and validation than before. You are in a new stage of your life sweetheart. You are working harder than before. You believe in yourself more than you have in all your life.

However, currently, there is a part of you that feels numb. There is a part of you that feels empty. You thought that as you have accomplished a lot in life, your life would transform. It does. You transformed a lot in these past couple years. But yet, you still doubt yourself don’t you?

Yes you do. Deep down, you are still haunted by your past experiences. You know that deep down there are still unfinished businesses that you wish you could resolve. You feel as if you are not meant to live the life you have now. You feel like an impostor. You feel that you are not good enough yet.

All your life, you have been trying to hide inside your own castle. It is a castle of sanctuary (or at least it feels that way for you at that time). You build a lot of walls of self-doubt, anxiety, and depression (as your anger is turned inward). These walls have protected you from countless heartbreaks that you could have experienced. You do not really want to stay in that castle alone. You like ruling there because you are in control all the time. You have power to determine who can enter your life and those who should be running away from you. Your wall of self-doubt is filled with trust issues that always question people’s motive for getting close to you. You never thought that people want to be friends with you sincerely. You look at them cynically. You keep in your mind that people will leave you anyway. What is the use of letting them in your life?

Your guards of anxiety and depression make you think that you are never good enough. They told you that you have to constantly compare yourself with anyone else. They say that you have to look like someone else to be loved. You have to change your look just like how everyone else prefers it to be. You are not allowed to be happy when you have made positive changes in your life. You need to stay miserable all the time. You feel that nothing in life will make you feel excited again. Happiness is a trap. As soon as you feel happy, you immediately think that something will go wrong. You feel that it will not last. Nothing really last doesn’t it?

The people that told you are going to be with you or who have been there with you slowly fades away. You cannot feel their presence anymore in your life. The people who told you that they will always stay end up going away. The people who told you that they love you for who you are eventually break their promise. They leave you and they find someone else to be with them. The ones who you love and will always fight until the end of your lives are the ones who turn up using you. This leaves your heart broken. You blame yourself all over. Maybe it is because your kindness is useless. Maybe it is because you are too naïve. It is wrong to have a heart that is open and loving towards anyone without discrimination.

These guards and walls exist for a reason, many reasons to be exact. All of them function to protect you dear from years and years of experiencing loss and disappointments. It feels comfortable yet excruciating to keep yourself inside these walls and with the guards all around. You do miss being around people. You do not miss pain but you do want to feel connected with others.

After a long time, you began to heal. Your walls and guards start disappearing and crumbling down. You start feeling safe to trust and to love again. And you did. You love people and you let them into your life. Flowers begin to bloom in your heart. You feel warm and loved. You feel more alive than you have ever feel before. For the first time in your life, you finally can see why you have to endure all those heartaches and brokenness.

You begin to see that you are meant to be a healer of the world. You will bridge people between nations. You will spread love throughout you life. Your character is being strengthened. You are challenged constantly to either uphold your principle or to lose to the ways of the wicked world.

Your path is long and tiring. And now, you doubt your worth. You begin to feel emotionally and physically drained. You feel bad if you cannot be there for others. You feel as you are transitioning from all the heartaches and the pain, the old you is yearning to survive. It fights you hard. Too hard even.

The anxieties that have guard you for a very long time do not want to leave you. They keep saying, “What if you get hurt again? What if you get disappointed? What if you lose it all? What if all of these chances that you take do not work?” Your walls of self-doubt also echo the same notions. They do not want you to leave this castle of isolation. They say that they are the only ones who can keep you safe. They say that it is better to stay in this place because it is secure and certain. No one can hurt you here.

But dear, is that really what you want?

I know that what you really want is an adventure. You want to be able to love again.

You want to be able to wake up every morning with positivity. You want to be able to taste life miracles in the form of sun touching your skin and to the clear air that you can breathe in. You want to be able to connect with a lot of people as possible and to fall in love with one of them if you are meant to. You want to make your dreams come true, even when people say that it is not possible for you to do so. Especially when people say it is not possible. You live to prove people wrong. You did prove those bullies and haters that the insecurities they projected on you are wrong.
Everything is starting to fall into place now dear.

But you know that in this moment, you cannot lie to yourself that you doubt yourself. You are afraid that if you fully destroy that castle of comfort and isolation, you do not have a way to get back home again. You will not be able to feel secure.

But darling, I think it is a time for us to change the narrative of our lives.

What if it works out?

What if all this time we are being prepared for a higher level in life? What if this time we can do what we think we cannot do? What if it is time to be more optimistic and positive about life?

You have been through so many ups and downs. You have let your heart broken to pieces a lot of times. You have let people walk all over you because you are afraid of losing them. But here is the kicker. They are not afraid of losing you. They may have never considered you to be that special either, unlike the way that you view them. Maybe it is time to hold yourself in a higher regard. Maybe it is time to believe in yourself more. I do believe that we need to love ourselves more. We need to learn that it is alright to still feel nervous or feeling like crap after having a bad day.

We are only human darling.

I think it is time to put the bottle down. I think it is time to start believing that things can change for the better. It is time to believe that people are inherently nice. They are broken too. They are damaged. We cannot expect them to always fix us. Is it wrong if we want them to accompany us? Of course it is not. I know you still feel guilt and shame for asking help. You are afraid that people would perceive you as weak as before. You have experienced traumas too. It is not your fault to feel afraid or feeling guilt for not wanting to share. Being vulnerable is scary, especially to the wrong people. But, there are people who genuinely love you. You do not have to force yourself to do something that you do not feel safe, but I am just here to let you know that you can count on those people (whom I know have popped in your head) as I say this.

It is alright to feel broken. We all are. Your anxiety acts as a defense mechanism to protect you after what you have previously dealt with. Does that make you crazy or a weirdo? No. It makes you human. It makes you normal.

It is normal to still feel anxiety. It is still normal to still feel a bit of depressive symptoms after a while. It is normal that you have the chance to experience relapse after a while. It is alright when you feel that you want to retreat back to your safe space. It is scary to dwell into the uncertainties, a place where you can fall hard, a place where you definitely can get hurt and a place where the outcomes can either be really positive or negative. But maybe, you might also benefit from learning that most of the time; there are no mistakes in life. There are no failures too. What exist are lessons.

Your clock is not everyone else’s. Your story is not the same fairytale that has been written before. You do not have to be the same as everyone else. You really don’t. You do not need someone to save you all the time. People can always come in to help you and you can ask for help of course. But you do not always need a knight in shining armor to make you feel loved. Your life is a mixture of all the genres. There is no good without the bad. There is no light without darkness.

Life is a mixture of all the good and the bad things. You cannot sunshine without a little rain.

You might have to make sacrifices in life. You would need to set your own time to work harder and smarter than everybody else. You would miss a lot of social engagements because you like to be alone. It is not wrong. You are your own person. You actually know how good it feels to spend your days being alone and how solitude enhance your happiness. Because only in silence, can you be in tune with your thoughts. So take your time. Be kind to yourself sweetheart.

Be compassionate towards yourself. Yes, some people would wound up not liking you. As long as you have no intention of hurting them, do not take that dislike or even hate personally. What people often think of us could be influenced by their own insecurities. You do not need to be a part of their drama. You have a good life going on here. You go enjoy it.

You will begin to love life again when you start to understand that you are already complete. You will definitely begin to love life again when you know that it always rain the hardest on those who deserve the sun the most. You know that you are super in how you can handle pressures in life now. You know that compassion is your biggest strength because you are still able to love those who have hurt you. You are able to forgive them and to take chances with the people you met. As you mature, you learn that life does not get easier, but you will learn to be stronger. You learn to be tougher and you can differentiate temporary and permanent people. You realise that the more mature you become, the more you will find people who vibe in the same level as you. You will believe in love again. You could find the one. You do remember that you are not perfect and so is he. You cannot expect him to give you the world although he could have. Still, it may seem scary to be committed, only if it is done with the wrong person.

Make mistakes. You will not really know if you do not try. So try as much as you can. Live life with no regret. Travel with the road less traveled. Try out new things and activities. Socialise with people who have different cultures and who live in other parts of the world. You will realise that the world has so much more to offer. The world is bigger than you and it is so damn beautiful.

It is not that things will not go wrong. Things can definitely go wrong as you go through uncharted waters. No one knows where the bottom is. You can drown or you can rise. You can learn to swim and sail against those dark and cruel waters. You can grow too and even find the most splendid beautiful things you have never discovered before as you spread your wings in a new land.

Because, let me remind you again:

What if it works?