Death With Archie: The Full Story

Beloved comic-book ginger Archie Andrews died yesterday in the pages of Life with Archie #36. But he didn’t die the way most comic-book characters do—by being pummeled to death by someone in tights. No, Archie died a hero. He shuffled off this mortal coil by taking a bullet for his friend, an openly gay senator who was campaigning for gun control.

Here’s some more of what Archie did on the day of his passing:

Archie started his day the way most people do—on Facebook. He shared a picture of the Pope with the comment, “Really digging this guy so far!” He noticed that his post where he reimagined Disney princesses as having various disabilities had around 200 Likes. Then he defriended someone for thinking that “pansexual” and “bisexual” were synonyms.

Archie posted some pics on Tumblr from his recent trip to Africa to build a children’s hospital and was happy to see that his Westboro Baptist Church counter-protest post got a few reblogs. He convinced a young girl that listening to Iggy Azalea was not cool because of her blatant cultural appropriation. Then he changed his header image to a photo of him in his favorite “THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE” shirt.

On Twitter he started a smear campaign against a 12-year-old who used the “N” word that later resulted in the child’s expulsion from school. He used the hashtag #ThisIsNotOK. Then, before closing his laptop, he wrote a tweet begging people to boycott Life with Archie because it doesn’t pass the Bechdel test.

A little later Archie drove his Prius over to Riverdale High School. He was pleased to see that his plan for “Fat Suit Day,” a day when all thin children in school had to wear fat suits to raise awareness of body-shaming, was approved and well under way. He had also requested a ramp in the middle of the basketball court so that disabled students could slam-dunk. He was happy to see it was being built.

The rest of the day was just as hectic as Archie’s morning. He gave an elderly woman with glaucoma some medical marijuana. He slapped a Barbie doll out of a little girl’s hands and replaced it with a gender-neutral toy. He banned the word “bossy.” He hid some children of undocumented immigrants from the Border Patrol. He worked at a soup kitchen. He punched Anthony Cumia in the face. He asked Israeli and Palestinian children to hug and created a photo essay for his Change.org petition to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He sent an anonymous email to Jezebel with pre-Photoshop images of Betty and Veronica. These are only a few of the good things Archie did before he sacrificed himself to save his friend’s life.

We’ll all miss Archie Andrews, but don’t worry—he’ll be back. No one stays dead for very long in comic books. In fact, if this issue doesn’t sell well, what may come back is a very different Archie—one who open-carries an assault rifle around town and volunteers his time to defend the nation’s southern border from invaders. He’ll tell his openly gay friend that he doesn’t approve of his sinful lifestyle. This Archie will admonish his fellow citizens to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, get off welfare, and get a damn job already. A real All-American Archie will be born.