Depression Has Made Me Afraid Of Ever Allowing An S/O To See Me At My Worst

This took a lot of effort on my part to get this out, but this is what writing is all about. To express your true inner emotions to not only help yourself in a therapeutic way but also to help someone else who can relate.

So I’ve kind of never been in a relationship, like ever. I’m 22 and although most people have at least dated once by this time, I haven’t.

Does it bother me sometimes? Hell yes, because we all crave love, attention, and affection. But the more time I have spent single, the more time I have had to learn about myself and what I actually want and need in a future partner and one of these qualities is someone who is understanding, particularly understanding to the struggles of dealing with depression.

Mental illness is something that is still so taboo. It is 2017 but I really don’t think we will ever get to a point where everyone will fully accept mental health issues without thinking that there is something terribly wrong with a person for struggling with anxiety or depression.

Because I deal with it almost on a daily basis, I always think people can tell. Even though when you see me, I am the total opposite of what you would think when you think of a “depressed person.” My makeup is to a T, I’m always dressed so that I look either professional or fashion forward and I’m extremely well spoken.

But this theory that depression only affects a certain category of people, a category of people who “look crazy” is not true.

There is no telling who depression can affect and sadly I have been affected.

I’m at a point today where I don’t allow it to define me, but its major symptoms, such: as mood swings, anxiety; difficulty accomplishing minor tasks, sometimes makes me feel weak as a person. It’s an internal feeling of always believing there is something wrong with me and I’m not normal. And when I think about being in a relationship sometimes, the thought of a S/O seeing me at my emotional worst scares me. 

It makes me feel like he would leave me because he just wouldn’t be able to deal with me on a day when maybe cried a little too much or I canceled plans because I just wasn’t feeling it.

To be in a relationship, I would only want that person to see the amazing side of me, the side of me that likes to dance around like a fool, kiss deeply, sing loudly and write love letters about how I feel.

But depression, this bitch of a disease can suck all of that out of you and I don’t want anyone to ever know just how bad it can get.

It can turn a beautiful smile into a frown and an awesome hair day into a headache. It can turn a walk in the park with family when the birds are chirping and the wind is moving at just the right temperature, into a day with no feeling. Just another day.

But the person out there that is truly for me will accept me, flaws and all. My ugly won’t be ugly to him and just how he accepts my human flaws, I’ll accept the flaws he considers a defect to his character.

When I need someone to vent to about my day, he will be there and he won’t judge me for it.

If I need a hug that isn’t ordinary but is long lasting, he’ll be there to hug me the tightest I’ve ever felt.

He’ll motivate me to be better and remind me that I am not my depression.

Because the guy I meet will probably have his own struggles and I can learn from them and accept his battle because I have had my own internal struggles.

I’ll be there for him wholeheartedly in his moments of need and I will know how to love him the way he needs to be loved because I will understand how it is to love someone based on their need for a specific kind of love.

Love is not perfect. True love is dealing with two people who sometimes have been terribly broken and it takes team work to find a love together that somehow and in some way mends that brokenness.

Depression can cause you to feel like you aren’t even worthy of love, but you are and that person, the right person who will remind you of this, is out there for you.