So you got your wife pregnant? I hope congratulations are in order. I’m sure you are feeling super excited and over the moon these days, and though I don’t know you at all, I’m happy for you.

As a father of two young children, I have been where you are. My wife was pregnant too and I learned that while it is a blissful and wonderful period of time, you may be so overcome with emotion or exhaustion or enthusiasm and lose touch with reality and say things that may upset your wife.

Remember, whatever you do, never say any of the following to your amazing and lovely pregnant wife.

1.

Do you remember those days when you used to be able to see your toes? No, neither do I.

2.

Hey this flyer says the wedding store at the mall is having a sale on size zero dresses – want to go check it out?

3.

I had this dream last night that I was sharing a bed with a whale.

4.

You up for an Alien movie marathon this weekend?

5.

For dinner I’m going to eat salad because I’m really trying to keep my slim schoolboy figure.

6.

These bikini models in this fashion magazine have the most amazing bodies and are really, really good looking…if you are into that sort of thing, which I’m not. At all.

7.

Go ahead, have a second piece of cake. I figure if you’re going to get big, you may as well get really, really big. Am I right or am I right?

8.

You want to go muumuu shopping today?

9.

Some people are always going on and on about how beautiful pregnant women are, to which I always reply, “Sure, aside from the morning sickness and overwhelming amount of flatulence they are.”

10.

When you were sleeping, I placed a whole bunch of my old action figures on your belly and pretended that they travelled to the moon.

11.

I know you aren’t feeling great this morning and that you are badly in need of a shower and are essentially living in those old pajamas, but I decided to surprise you by inviting over all of your girlfriends. They’ll be here in 5 minutes.

12.

No one ever talks about how hard and challenging and exhausting this has been for me.