Downloadable Donuts
By Brad Pike
Dear DonutBay.com,
I’m writing to inform you that morally bankrupt visitors to your website are downloading my copyrighted donuts and then eating this content at home without patronizing my shop (Go Nuts for Donuts off the corner of Custer and 15th behind the KFC). This has led directly to a steep drop in sales and slowed progress with my therapist who says much of my self-esteem is tied up with the financial success of my donuts. And for your information, the donut is called Pink Sprinkled Donut, while in your torrent directory, it’s called Delishus_Assssssssssssssssssssss_Donut.dnt. I tried to get in contact with the uploader, FXG, but he keeps emailing me a gif of a big dog rescuing a smaller dog that has fallen in a pool, so then I called the police, but they don’t understand the minutiae of internet donut sharing, so … quandary.
It’s essential you remove this donut file as soon as possible. Already, I see my donut’s been downloaded over 500,000,000 times, mostly by ISP addresses out of poverty stricken African countries where I read in Time magazine people often subsist solely on illegally downloaded donuts, but look: if they wish to stave off starvation using my donuts, they need to come to Plano, Texas and purchase them in person with money. The corner of 15th and Custer, as previously mentioned. Shop’s called Go Nuts for Donuts. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a greedy monster, snatching donuts out of the bony hands of starving orphans, but I expend a great deal of effort in crafting my donuts, and I have a family to support. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a financial reward commensurate with my labor and skill. I am a goddamn artist.
This all started, as you know, with the invention of the HP Donut Printer F410, a 3D printer that uses special dough and frosting cartridges, baking donuts pixel by pixel with a high powered laser. It’s clear now that HP should’ve known better. These digital savages have no regard for donut copyright laws, and they’d been waiting quietly, watching the development of this printer on tech blogs, knowing once it was released, they’d have all the free downloadable donut media they could want, and there’d be no going back. In this day and age, morality is dictated by technological capability. Can we order a flying robot to kill someone from 50,000 miles away with the push of a button? Yes? Then it must be okay. Can companies track and monitor every cell phone owner at all times? Yes? Then it’s all good in the neighborhood. Can people download an innocent Argentinian immigrant’s donuts via some kind of computer thing? Yes? Then God smiles approvingly down, stretches forth his colossal fist, and gives a thumbs up, you thoughtlessly decadent goddamn animals.
Do the users at DonutBay think I’m some sort of Donut Sultan, typing this on an iPad while reclining on the veranda of my secluded Texas mansion? Donuts aren’t like music or movies. There are no donut magnates, donut tycoons, or donut barons; they are cheap baked goods, sir. I know the young people gobbling all these donuts like to rationalize their cybercrimes, saying, “Oh, he’s a fabulously wealthy donut mogul. What’re a few donuts to him? One less HDTV in his luxury submarine hotel?” but I live in a tiny apartment with my wife and five children who shriek ceaselessly for food and PS2 games. I ask you, how can I afford these PS2 games if your website distributes all my Delishus_Assssssssssssssssssssss_Donuts?
Perhaps this is partially my fault. I definitely shouldn’t have stuck DRM chips in the donuts, that’s true. They break people’s teeth, electrocute mouths, and taste like cold unpalatable metal, not to mention strip content owners of free donut use. It was really a poor business practice to have my donuts explode into flames if you tried to share one with your friend. So many mouths left black and crispy like burnt bacon, so many faces dripping melted skin, permanently staining our carpet with face juice. Yeah, that was my bad, guys. But you have to understand I’ve operated the same way my whole life, and now I’m expected to instantly adapt to this age of digital donut downloads. I’m registered for HTML and website design classes — I’m inching forward, but give me time.
So please take down the Delishus_Assssssssssssssssssssss_Donuts file. For thousands of years — or possibly less — donuts have been distributed by donut artists like myself, who simply want the world to enjoy cheap frosted pastries for breakfast instead of cereal, waffles, or, eugh, oatmeal (ew, gross, that’s gross, wet and gross). It would be a shame if downloadable donuts killed off the real-world donut — along with the human race for that matter. Obesity and heart disease are God’s way of punishing donut piracy, you blubbery goddamn cyber barbarians.