Failure Alert: 50 Years After The Death Of JFK, We Still Haven’t Brought Him Back With Robot Technology


It was September 12th, 1962. After a swift, bloodless coup, the newly crowned Supreme Dictator Of the United States, John F. Kennedy, stood on an a cummy pile of manga outside of Rice University’s on-campus Whattaburger, and delivered the most iconic speech in American history since Strom Thurmond’s, “I Had A Terrible Dream,” in 1938.

The President made a lot of promises that day. Amidst Kennedy’s celebration of human accomplishment in the last 50 thousand years, he made a very bold claim. Something that, if accomplished, would not only be impressive for his administration, but humanity itself.

“As leader, I promise that by the close of this decade, America will be on the moon,” he declared. “I will er, also uh, be some kind of robot.”

A sense of pride swelled the nation. It was a time before fluff, before empty rhetoric that served only to further one’s political career. This was a promise made by the leader, that every citizen intended to keep. We were going to be the first nation to have a robot president. Even in 1962, no one gave a shit about the moon or space programs.

“I imagine it will be er, some kind of killing robot, but also very good at chess. Ideally they would retain my brain and my er uh, genitals, and the rest of my er body, completely robot.”

Now 50 years after the death of JFK, many Americans are puzzled. Just where the hell is our robot president? Is it possible that somehow we got to the moon in 7 years ( quite an easy accomplishment since the moon is a giant target and the landing was fake anyways) yet we still don’t possess the technology that would allow us to bring back Kennedy as a Robocop or a Terminator?

“The technology is there, it’s just the wrong kind of technology,” said a researcher at MIT. “Think Wall-e or Data. That’s the type of robot were making these days. Docile and impotent. The world isn’t the way it was in the 1960s, there’s not as much demand to create violent, sexually virile robots. Remember how we thought cars were going to fly? Well, now they’re all electric, and gay people are allowed to get married in them.”

Another major hurdle to overcome is the fact that Kennedy’s brain was not only damaged severely during his assassination, but the individual pieces were auctioned off and are hard to recover. While most chunks have been obtained by the US Government, his optical lobe is still somewhere in South America after being purchased by a textile importer for use as a sex toy.

“The brain thing was totally our fault,” confesses retired CIA analyst Kurt Goldmeier. “The original plan was to only have one shooter, and place one shot in his chest. I still remember the day the Director came into the mess hall and asked us, ‘Okay, who wants to kill the President?’ It was a madhouse. People were falling over each other to sign up. They felt so bad about having to turn everyone down, they let 6 guys go out into Dealey plaza that day and ALL of them wanted to shoot him in the brain.”

Without all the brain material, it will be very difficult to create a robot that would be true to Kennedy. It can’t just be a 7 foot tall metal man covered in machine guns that bears his likeness. This is far more complex than a Tupac hologram. If none of the original man is left over, it begs the question; is this a robot Kennedy, or just a robot? How long will it take for the Kennedy robot to relearn human emotions and remember his family? Will he like sex?

So unfortunately, for now, it seems we will have to let go of the promises we made to ourselves 50 years ago. Not only is our president not a robot, he is a muslim, which is further down the list on the robot-mutant-human-muslim hierarchy. But we shouldn’t fret. Kennedy, if he did anything right, imbued this nation with an indelible sense of hope, and while he can’t be with us today, we should cling to that hope as we remember his famous final words, “I’ll be back.”