Fat Fall: 19 Ways To Gain Twenty Pounds By Thanksgiving

1. Get Pumpkin Spice Lattes IV’d directly into your blood stream, with extra whip.

2. Eat lots of Halloween candy even though it’s still September.

3. Hide the extra pounds under black leggings and long black flowy t-shirts.

4. Realize that even though it’s technically an Autumn month, it’s still 93 degrees outside and you should totally get a pumpkin pie Blizzard from Dairy Queen.

5. Become the Queen of Dairy and eat all the cheese, everywhere.

6. Hide your new double chins under lots of infinity scarves.

7. Hit the snooze button twelve times and miss your morning workout because your boyfriend is in your bed and he’s warm and just 8 more minutes…

8. Think about running outside because of the leaves and the briskness and your health, but decide you want to eat Pad Thai instead.

9. Buy a Pumpkin Pie in early October and squirt whipped cream directly into your mouth.

10. Also maybe see if the Starbucks barista will do this for you instead of on your latte.

11. Watch the new season of The Biggest Loser while eating Kettle chips.

12. Paint your nails with black nail polish, because it’s slimming and you’re gonna need it.

13. Buy vegetables and lentils to cook at home, but then get Chinese takeout after work because you’re tired.

14. Browse cardio workout DVDs on Amazon.com because it’s going to be too cold to run outside, but buy quick-dry nail polish instead.

15. Eat 8 packs of string cheese from the employee snack fridge.

16. Just say, “Fuck it!” and eat the Sun Chips too ‘cause they’re whole-grain, right?

17. Write down your workout schedule for the next 3 weeks but skip 80% of it.

18. Dress up as something fat for Halloween, like a fat man, a fat cat, the gluttonous guy fromSe7en, or Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

19. Remember that you have until next summer to get fit again, so let’s party!