Fuck—Have I Fallen For You?


It was somewhere between the point where you were hitchhiking and I was barefoot searching for a bar of reception, somewhere there. You had your left arm stretched out to the speeding cars on the highway and my right arm pointed to the sky reaching for signal. We fucked recklessly for years and we always laughed, man we laughed, but not like this. I was scared of getting into a strangers car but not for the obvious reasons, I was more afraid that we would get in that car together and end up traveling to the nearest chapel. That maybe if I did get that signal that I needed I would find the nearest celebrant that was open New Year’s Day in this country and we would elope with wedding rings weaved from grass and red wine all over my white dress. So I went back to the cabin as you hitched into town for our standard supplies, about six bottles of fermented grapes and something to chew on later. In our near ten years of friendship we had always been in different places and had time apart, yet these two hours without you felt like the longest I had ever been away from you. We never had a label, we were best friends not just fuck buddies. Fuck, have I fallen for you, buddy? I sat on the deck still searching for that bar of reception just to tell someone that knows me that I’m still alive while inhaling the cigarettes I promised myself I would quit. You came back to the cabin and I could see that we were both so happy to see each other again, and so we danced. Well – you danced – asked me to stand on your boots while you held me close and taught me how to do the waltz. I sure as hell ain’t no scientist but I’m pretty certain self-destruction dancing with self-destruction is gonna cause some danger. And that’s what we were. Two self-destructive souls with hearts of gold that treat the insects on the trees better than we treat ourselves. The two kinda people that should never get too close to each other but there we were, closer than ever, spinning to the sound and doped up on chemistry. We were no strings attached but as we twirled the air turned into cotton and wrapped around us forming a knot that couldn’t be untied.