Five Things I Should Probably Stop Doing Now That I’m 25


Okay, so it’s not quite the big 3-0. But 25 is still kind of a big deal, you guys. A quarter of a century. Halfway to 50. Ohmygod I’m old. And the other day, while systematically hiding wedding pictures and giddy status updates about double strollers on my Facebook feed, I had an epiphany. While I do a damn convincing wine-sipping, side-banged yuppie impression, the 16 year-old teenybopper inside is constantly trying to make an appearance. At 24, it was still sort of acceptable and kind of cute and endearing. But now? Tragic failure. Thus, I hereby vow to cease the following activities, effective the eve of my 25th birthday (maybe).

1. Making EasyMac. Seriously, how hard is it to cook for myself? Don’t answer that. It’s just that most days when I get home from a long day at work, I want to shove some goodness in my mouth (…that’s what she said) and be done with it. Plus, I hate leftovers. Clearly, the most prudent solution has been to pop that lil’ blue miracle in the microwave for 3:30 and grimace when I palate the forgotten bits of unmixed cheese. Or, awkwardly stop into my local sushi joint for the second time this week, where I’m greeted with, “Spicy Tuna, right?”

2. Watching Drake and Josh. Don’t hate until you’ve watched an episode and realized how gut-busting it is to see Drake Bell hanging from a ceiling fan, yelling “I’m dangling and rotating!” as he tries to escape from an angry, possessed dog. Or Josh running Oprah over with his car. Comedy writing at its finest. I’ll miss you guys!

3. Wearing SillyBandz and Sally Hansen’s Nail Effects… But they’re FAST FOOD SillyBandz. I couldn’t resist. Anyways, I’m too prone to losing things to wear Pandora and Tiffany and whatnot. And they don’t make anything in day-glo colors or in the shape of a burger, either.

The Nail Effects are going to be the hardest habit to kick. I’ve been working my way through all of those damn decals, from the fishnet to the leopard print. And I never even got to try the houndstooth! Oh, the houndstooth.

4.  Fantasizing about Taylor Hanson Leaving his Wife for Me. Let’s be real. I’ve been thinking about MMMBop-ing that man since 1997, and like a fine wine, he’s truly improved with age. Unfortunately, he also got married and has amassed like, fitty kids. But that hasn’t stopped me from going to almost half a dozen Hanson shows and secretly hoping he picks me out from the crowd, Copperfield-style, to join him backstage and show me where the love REALLY is.

5. Browsing in the Juniors Department. Fortunately, I can’t remember the last time I actually PURCHASED something in Nordstrom’s BP section or Macy’s “The Zone” or “The Edge” or whatever it’s called. Yet, the cute little polka-dotted sundresses and rompers and capri pants always draw me in. Just for a quick peek, until I catch a random tween bitch giving me a dirty look. WHATEVER. Oh, and Forever 21 doesn’t count, obvs.


Tell me I’m not alone, y’all?

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image – Matt MacGillivray