Five Things To Do On Easter
By Thoughtis
1. Talk shit on Easter
Easter always gets the shaft. If Christmas is the beautiful blonde swimmer/academic in the family of holidays, Easter would be the slightly overweight younger brother who everyone Jan Brady’s. Easter would say to everyone in his family, “It’s not fair. It’s always all about Christmas around here. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!” Easter would then stress eat some Cadbury creme eggs in the corner and wish he was never born. So yeah, Easter’s sort of a joke. I love Jesus and everything, but I think it’s sort of conceited how there are two holidays dedicated to his birth. I understand that his birthday is important, but his rebirthday? Not so much. Now you’re just being greedy, you know? Anyway, you can do what I just did and spend the day talking shit on the holiday. “What is even Easter? Do we just go to brunch or something? This is bullshit!” Yes. Yes, it is.
2. Be overcome with joy!
For some strange reason, you may be a diehard Easter fan. You dyed Easter eggs, made an Easter egg hunt, decorated your Easter basket: The whole works! When you woke up this morning, it felt like Christmas, didn’t it? You feverishly called all of your friends and screamed into the phone, “It’s fucking EASTER!!!” and they all were like, “Who is this? I think you have the wrong number..” and hung up. You didn’t care though. You went straight into your closet and put on your Easter Bunny costume (it’s who you are every year for Halloween, duh!) and danced around to “Walking On Sunshine.” Dear god, Easter fanatic. You are a sad sad man!
3. Drink!
All holidays are really just an excuse to get wasted and Easter is no exception. In fact, I would argue that Easter is the booziest of holidays because it has such a flimsy premise. What do you do in your twenties for a holiday that revolves around dyeing eggs? You come up with a bullshit Easter cocktail named “Egg On Face” or something and get all of your friends together for a drinking fest. People will come in their spring pastels and ethereal dresses, and be like, “Yay. I love the Easter aesthetic. Can someone take a picture of me in this cute outfit holding an Easter basket?” The second the picture is taken, the person throws the Easter basket in the bushes and starts to take shots. By the evening, everyone will literally have egg on their face. They’ll be rolling around on the grass in their twee Easter ensembles laughing hysterically and slurring their words, “Easter Bunny, come catch me now….” Yep. Easter is a real Sunday shitshow.
4. Have sex with your significant other in Easter Bunny costumes
Actually, you shouldn’t do this. I don’t think sex would be ever quite the same. It just would be so easy though, you know? An Easter Bunny who puts eggs in your basket? The fantasy writes itself!
5. Go to brunch
This what you’re probably going to end up doing. You’re going to an adorable brunch spot with your adorable friends. You’re going to eye the bottomless mimosa’s option and say to your brunching buddies, “I need that. We’re getting that.” And you will. You’ll guzzle those mimosas while eating your tofu scramble and talking about your ex. It’s going to feel like an episode of Sex and the City episode when you say, “No one can give me an orgasm. It’s so fucked!” Your friends will gasp and then laugh because really, isn’t talking about orgasms over vegan $25.00 brunches what being young is really about? You’ll be day drunk, which is the most fun feeling in the world for thirty minutes and then the most terrifying for six hours. You’ll leave the restaurant after three hours stumbling in your chic brunch clothes. The sun will hit your eyes on this beautiful Easter sunday, you’ll smile a droopy young smile…and then puke all over your best friend’s back. Happy Easter!