Five Writers Respond To Ten Typical Internet Comments

I’ve been writing for the Internet for a fair amount of time now. Since starting along this weird little career path I have had all sorts of comments fly my way. 90% of the time they are delightful – either little things that make me laugh or really great words of encouragement from people who enjoyed something I’ve written.

Sometimes though, the commenter decides to take a turn. They decide to be negative, threatening, antagonistic, sometimes downright cruel. I’ve had people attack my physicality, my writing abilities, my family, my safety – pretty much anything they can get their trolly, little paws on.

But it’s (obviously) not just me. Other writers on various platforms that I contribute to and freelance for come under the same kind of scrutiny as I do. People come for us all the time, pretty much all day every day. Most of us have gotten into a comment spat once or twice before resolving to no longer comment back. Some of us are under contract to not say anything too controversial so we have to sit there and let the comments tear us to shreds while staying quiet.

And you know what? That kind of blows. It kind of blows a lot.

So I approached five of my writer friends and colleagues with ten of the comments we all get every day and presented them with the unique opportunity to say whatever they wanted in response: no real names, no consequences, no filters allowed. Hilarity ensued.

1. “You should proofread. Do better.”

“Are you volunteering for the job? That’s so awesome of you. Shoot me your email address and I’ll start sending my stuff. FYI, this is a volunteer position.” – Molly, 27

“Or my editor should proofread and do better. Sorry that when I’m just churning viral content I’m not dotting all my I’s and crossing all my T’s.” – Alan, 28

“Want to be my editor? My unpaid editor.” – Abbi, 23

2. “God you fucking suck and your articles are garbage. This is why you’re single.”

“Are you coming on to me? If so, I’m down, let’s go.” Joseph, 24

“It seems like you’re having a bad day. Do you want to talk about it?” – Greg, 22

“Actually, I’m single because I choose not to settle for anonymous internet trolls like you. Kisses.” – Molly

3. “You need to chill out and not be so sensitive.”

“That’s not what your mom said last night.” – Abbi

“S-A-T-I-R-E.” – Alan

4. “This is the worst thing I have ever read. Can I get my two minutes back?”

“We’d be happy to refund you your two minutes, just sign this eternal contract that you’ll stop commenting on internet articles for the rest of your life and you’ll be all set.” – Molly

“Things I wasted more than two minutes on today: popping a zit, waiting for the Keurig to heat up, and trying to figure out the where the nearest notary is for the paperwork regarding the speeding ticket I got last week. Reading my column doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?” – Alan

“That’s a clever line. You must have heard that from every girl you’ve ever had sex with.” – Joseph

5. “You’re wrong about XXX and XXX. This didn’t apply to me AT ALL.”

“Writing is about sharing experiences that create connections. I don’t realistically expect to relate to EVERYONE on EVERY subject, I just hope to brighten my corner of the world a bit!” – Greg

“Oh, fuck! Wait, this single piece of writing doesn’t apply to every human being out there? Oh god dammit, need to rethink my writing tactics.” – Abbi

“I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay, because I prefer tequila.” – Molly

6. “UGH. When are you going to leave/why are you always here?!”

“As long as you’re here too, my love.” – Abbi

“They kicked me out of the bus shelter bathroom I was living in. I’ve got nowhere else to go.” – Joseph

“I’ve got quotas to meet. Trust me, if it wasn’t for those, I’d be sitting in a hammock drinking piña coladas with lady singers.” – Alan

7. “Your dad/mom must be proud of you.”

“That I turned a hobby into a career that you watch from afar from your desk at a job you hate? Yeah, you could say they’re pretty proud of me.” – Alan

“They are.” – Everyone else

8. “Kill Yourself.”

“My therapist and I have really been working on me NOT doing that, sorry to disappoint.” – Abbi

“No thanks, I actually really love my life. Suicide isn’t really something you just joke about, though, so I suggest you find the door to internet and let it hit your ass on the way out.” – Greg

“You are not worth an ounce of my time. Get a fucking life.” – Molly

“Or, nah.” – Alan

9. “Jesus Christ…you’re disgusting. So fucking ugly.”

“My mom thinks I’m pretty.” – Molly

“Why’d you gotta bring Jesus into this, man?” – Joseph

“I’m not writing behind a computer screen because I just quit my gig walking the runway in Milan, so thanks for reaffirming what I tell myself every morning while I brush my teeth instead of going to the gym.” – Alan

“Maybe she’s born with it, Maybe it’s Maybelline.” – Abbi

10. “I hate that I live in a world where you get paid to do this.”

“Well I do, so I wonder who the real winner is here?” – Greg

“I love that I live in a world where I get paid to do this.” – Alan

“I hate that I live in a world where you can hide behind an anonymous shield and hurl damaging words to strangers with zero consequences, but hey, what can ya do??” – Abbi

“Well, you’re stuck here. Better luck next time!” – Joseph

“I hate that I live in a world where you get paid to dick around in comment sections all day without your boss finding out. Potato, potato.” – Molly