Follow These 5 Commandments If You’re Single For The First Time In A Long Time


1. Thou Shalt Get Through The First Hour Of The Day

When you wake up alone the first few times, don’t dwell in this pit of sadness for too long. The physical isolation you feel is just that — physical.

You no longer have the comfort of knowing someone you love’s arm has found a resting place around your waist. You’re no longer able to get back to sleep by synching yourself up to the pattern of their breathing. You can’t nestle your nose into their neck just to pick up the familiarity of their smell.

You only have you now. Acknowledge your thoughts, and no matter how paralyzing they may be, get out of bed. The sooner you lift your head from rest, the sooner it can move on to other things.

2. Thou Shalt Be Grateful for Friends Who Come Through (And Effing Pissed Off At Those Who Do Not)

It’s not every day you go through a break up. Well, I hope not. If you ARE going through a lot of breakups a lot of the time might I suggest cozying up to reality for a bit? For those of you having just this one right now, you’re really lucky!

Whatever you want to do, your friends have to do too! This arrangement can last as long as you need, which actually amounts to about three and a half weeks total.

Let’s put it this way, the crew is more than willing to stay for the pity party at the 2:00 am bar, but don’t force them to continue pity partying at the 4:00 am bar.

Your friends want to be there, and you need them to be there, so they will definitely be there for several nights of shots, dancing, and vegetarian nachos, preferably in that order (consume nachos before performing strenuous choreography at your own risk).

And if one of those so-called friends tries to invite their boyfriend along to any of the girls only events, it is your prerogative to be #saltyaf. You don’t need to be exposed to that level of pettiness or any public displays of affection right now. Girl, bai.

3. Thou Shalt Cry In Public Places Out Of The Blue

The perfect time to have a release of emotion is when you’re on your way to an important business lunch downtown. The options are slim for places to cry in the middle of a thriving metropolis, so be smart about it.

Do not cry in front of the Walgreens — way too much foot traffic. Find solace in front of an unmarked building which probably houses several mid-level businesses in which the majority of their staff members work from home.

Sardine yourself in a corner, head in hands, and let yourself go. No one will walk up and ask you if everything is okay. That’s not the world we live in anymore.

At most, someone you know might see you from across the way and send you a Facebook message later that night “just checking in.”

When you’re at a friend’s play and the character — who had nothing to do with you, really — says, “I want you to be very good and remember me,” you’ll lose it again, because in your hopeful heart that’s all you really want. The setting is quiet, however, so just let your tears pool in the back of your throat. Swallow them if you’re ready. If you’re not, they’ll dissolve into you eventually.

4. Thou Shalt Talk To The Opposite Sex

Truer words have never been recorded than “the only way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.” This statement falls nicely amongst other popular certainties such as, “Actions speak louder than words,” and, “Your drink is no longer non-fat if you ask for whipped cream.”

Despite what some may think, it is okay to dive that single bod right back into the dating pool. I need you to hear and take to heart that the respectable timeline on going out and doing whatever you want does not exist (more on that below).

When your mom counters, “You don’t need anyone to tell you you’re great,” she’s absolutely right… but isn’t the attention kind of nice?

There are obviously some logistical kinks to work out like, you know, how to talk to guys again. For example, a proper response to “I’m into hip hop,” might not be to then ask, “Do you know Mr. Dobalina?” In your defense you had just heard that song for the first time (it’s so great) and were taking full advantage of the bar’s rum special.

After a couple more encounters, you’ll get the hang of things again, so that when some douchebag with a bad haircut and a stupid graphic T-shirt approaches you at the bar and goes, “I know what you’re thinking… I’m hotter and fitter than most guys in Chicago,” you won’t skip a beat in responding, “Yeah, but your face is kinda crazy.”

You wished you would have commented on the probability he’s packing tiny, but hey cowgirl, you just got your leg over the horse. You can attempt side saddle in due time.

5. Thou Shalt Be Authentically You

Hey… guess what? You. Are. Free. Get the promotion. Travel. Perform stand-up. Put on a gallery showing. Make yourself a green smoothie every morning. I don’t know. Do it all. You have the time. It’s all yours. Make it count!

I mean, still spend some time vegging out and watching every romantic comedy Netflix has to offer because you deserve it and have more than likely been experiencing some version of hell, but intermittently pop some of your goals into the routine!

You were one of the lucky ones who got to have a great love. And yet, was the person you were inside your relationship someone you’d want to be friends with? The problem was not hating the person you were with. The problem was hating the person blind love made you become… the person you irresponsibly allowed yourself to be.

Real love is unconditionally ruthless that way. It forces you to hold on until it quite literally kills you.

The following statement might sound like such a load of crap right now, but… you are going to be okay. Though you are grieving, try your hardest to find the girl you used to love: gutsy, opinionated, independent, outspoken, curious, with moves that could rival Beyonce at Superbowl XLVII.

Someday, you will find your light again, because amongst the pieces of your broken heart is the sliver that chimes in during your strong moments: you are enough. More than that, you are everything.