Four Features Missing From Facebook



Some naïve Facebookers might take this section literally. You’ll see profiles that read: End world hunger or Start my own film production company. Awesome. Pat on the back. That’s great, but really, I don’t care. What I’m looking for here are collaborative dreams, dreams that actually might get accomplished because someone else will read your profile and want to partner up with you. Dreams that make social networking worthwhile. For instance, if this were my profile, my dream would be to have someone write a hip-hop, baby-making R&B song about me, along the lines of something Baby Bash, Chingy, or Maxwell would write if they knew me. Obviously this is not something I can achieve on my own, so advertising it on Facebook would definitely help.


Great idea, right? No more shitty (or non-existent) presents on your birthday! Now all of your friends, parents, and grandparents on Facebook can check in with your profile and see what you actually want for your birthday this year. Facebook has already achieved the impossible by turning normally self-centered, thoughtless, and forgetful young adults into regular (and timely) birthday wishers, so why not add the gifts section to it as well? Yes, digital birthday wishes are great, but tangible presents are way better.

Things I Hate

I know, I know—this category seems a bit negative. But what better way to get to know a person than through what they don’t like? There’s a lot of Facebook “fakers” out there—people who list The Great Gatsby or Life of Pi as their favorite book because it makes them seem smart (even though they only read it because Mrs. Polep, their sophomore year English teacher put it on the required reading list), or those who put Arrested Development as their favorite TV show because apparently it’s hip to be a fan of shows that were prematurely dropped by their network.

Listing what one hates gives a person individuality and freedom. Granted, many people will probably add Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, and Jersey Shore to this category, but even that can be a good thing. I’d far rather be “friends” with someone who publicly asserts their vehement disapproval of prepubescent pop icons and gender-ambiguous, routinely pantless divas than I would with someone who keeps mum on the topic as a whole. In other words, the “like” and “favorite” categories on Facebook are great in that they help you get to know a person, but that doesn’t mean that said person has listed all of the things that they like or favor. Thus, you may think you have a lot in common with one person based on what their profile says, but who knows? They could secretly be die-hard Dancing With The Stars or Maroon 5 fans that just didn’t feel like listing those interests on their profile page.

Alternatively, if the “hate” category were added to Facebook, chances are you’d have a better picture of the person. Maybe said-person secretly loves Dancing With The Stars or dreamy lead singer Adam, but they also hate (as per their profile page) American Idol, the entire Twilight series, and Eat, Pray, Love, and that’s something I can definitely deal with.

When I’m Home Alone I Like To…

This can get raunchy pretty quickly, but basically it’s just an attempt to deviate from the quotidian, boring categories that are listed on every social networking website. Many Facebookers won’t have to work hard to make this one interesting, but this category serves a dual purpose other than giving your friends a behind the scenes look into your life. Namely by helping the literal (sub “little”) people out: those people who think we actually care what people inspire them or that their favorite quote is a verse from the Bible or an over-used bon mot from Mark Twain.

When I’m home alone I like to… Come on, be daring. Say something funny and original. For once.

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