Freshman Year In College Vs. Freshman Year After College

A. Conversational Fodder

College: You’ll spend the first three weeks of school having excellent surface level conversations with as many people as possible. When it comes time to eat dinner, you’ll find yourself galloping to the dining hall with about 20 other people who you don’t really know that well. There’s a decent chance that an alarming amount of them will be from New Jersey.

After College: You’ll spend most of your time telling people about the intricacies of your commute. If you’re taking a train or bus — and are so lucky to transfer at some point — you must spend the majority of your time highlighting the details of said transfer. If the person you’re talking to has a more difficult commute than you, figure out another way to one up them.

B. Friendships

College: At first, you won’t really know who your friends are. You’ll probably try out a few different groups, and get pretty good at being someone you’re not. Eventually you’ll settle in with people who like you for you, and not because you hang with Leonardo.

After College: You’ll know who your friends are. You’ll all spend the majority of your time slowly outgrowing each other.

C. Dating

College: Most days will be spent avoiding eye contact with people you once made out with. In the rare instance that you have a sober conversation with someone you hooked up with, you’ll probably end up dating for three months.

After College: Complain about dating a lot. Complain about dating so much that when you do find someone, you won’t really know how to alter your worldview to fit the fortuitous situation. Break up, and date again. Realize that the primary reason societies’s emphasis on dating is so strong is because talking about it is extremely profitable.

D. Daily Rituals

College: Trying to impress girls by drawing complex doodles in your intro level philosophy class.

After College: Messing up excruciatingly simple tasks.

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E. Perception Of Elders

College: You’ll likely idolize the seniors you’ll meet, and strive to one day be as cool, confident, and successful as them.

After College: You’ll look at Desmond from middle management, and gulp.*

(In this instance, you’ll fail to grasp that there are 100s of variables in Desmond from middle management’s life, and that looking down on someone with a relatively successful career is obnoxious, narrow-minded, and hilariously egocentric.)

F. Song To Listen To While Trying To Be This Generation’s Version Of A John Hughes Movie

College: The Freshmen, The Verve Pipe

After College: What’s My Age Again, Blink 182

G. Primary Goals

College: Getting decent grades, raking in the likes on various social media channels, talking about how much better your school is than the schools that your high school friends go to.

After College: Owning a pea coat.