Gay Boi: The Hottest Accessory For Summer 2010


Don’t cha wish your boyfriend was gay like me? Don’t cha wish your boyfriend was fierce like me? Don’t cha?

According to July’s Teen Vogue, gay dudes are this season’s Must Have Accessory. Hurry – everybody put down your ‘It’ bag and go get u a gay before we’re all sold out.

What’s missing from that article, though, is the gay perspective. Like – why we allow ourselves to be friends with straight chicks.

The “Gay Best Friend” (GBF), as Teen Vogue calls it (I so hope that acronym doesn’t catch on), is a new trend among teenaged girls, who are like sick and tired of bitchy, backstabbing frenemies. These bitches wear all your clothes but don’t take you out for a drink, meet all your boyfriends so they can steal them from you, promise you don’t look fat when you really do – the skanks.

But enough is enough! Teenaged girls everywhere are fed up and embracing gay dudes as their new BFFs. So suck it, mean girls. One sixteen-year-old from California was like, “A few years ago, all the popular, pretty girls were walking hand in hand with a preppy jock. Now you’ll see them in hallways with a Mulberry bag on one arm and a Johnny Weir look-alike on the other.”

Johnny Weir is the ideal gay BFF?? Oh really?…

Everybody is familiar with the straight girl-gay guy sort of coupling. Remember Will and Grace? Or what about Carrie and Stanford, Charlotte and Anthony, Perez and Gaga, Kathy and Anderson – allegedly! The all-knowing Teen Vogue says that one of the reasons straight girls flock to gay bois is for emotional comfort. It can get pretty complicated for a girl to be friends with a straight guy, because he will want to bone her  obviously, and that would just ruin everything. A gay never befriends a girl because he wants to sleep with her.

Although many a gay has been invited to touch a boob. And he might actually like to get with the girl, you know, depending on how bottomy or toppy he is.

But writing gay dudes off as trendy accessories is totally bogus. We gays have been popular on TV for the past couple years now, and directly involved in anything brilliant for centuries, which, ok, I guess makes everybody want to go out and get their own personal gay. But the gays people like aren’t ever sexualized – they’re just well dressed, comical sketches. Entertainment!

I mean, why is it that everybody loves a lispy, witty, faaaaaaaaaaaabulous gay, but some of these people won’t even let us get married? You f’in’ hypocrites! I get really annoyed when the only way people like their gays is with a side of lisp and a pinch of faaaaaaaaaaabulous, even if some of us really know how to work a pair of high heels.

To some extent, I think that’s one thing straight girls love about the gay: we aren’t afraid to just put it all out there. We will tell you exactly as it is. In fact, yes, that dress does make you look fat. No, your weave does not look real. And bitch we will wear high heels and look better than everybody, and if you don’t like it then you can just get the fuck out the way and watch us clack past.

But! There’s another side to the story, too. It’s really hard for us gay boys to be friends with straight guys, mostly because they are so fucking protective of their warrior cocks that they don’t allow the forbidden nectar anywhere near. In my experience, the gay friend is likely to develop (sexual) feelings for said straight dude, as in, he probably just wants to sleep with him a couple times. My first year in college I was friends with the hottest dude, the appropriately named Ryan Hottle, – olive skin, green eyes, curly black hair, athletic body, ripped as Jesus Christ. I’m giving myself hot flashes just thinking about him. Anyway, I’d be in the room when Ryan smoked pot, when he played video games, when he played acoustic guitar. So one day I decided it would be fantastic to tell him exactly how I felt so I did and then we

Girls don’t like girls anymore so they’re getting cushy with gay dudes, gay dudes can’t be friends with straight dudes so they surround themselves with other gay dudes and fag hags. That leaves all the straight dudes to play by themselves, with their beer pong and flannel shirts or whatever it is they do.

I guess it makes like scientific sense or whatever, if men are supposed to be with women. Hey, it’s like being straight without the sex! But what will really be interesting is the day when all straight guys are required to have a gay BFF. There’s a porn for that. 

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