Girl I Work With, You’re Not Allowed To Listen To “Gucci Gucci” Anymore


At first it was just obnoxious, but you’re a girl and that’s who this song was made for. I’m drawing the line now. Stop telling me that I don’t “get it”. There isn’t anything to get. Please cease or you will be asked to resign. Outlined below are the following reasons for my ultimatum.

1. It makes you stupider for having listened to it.

Not every song needs to be a Mensa exercise, but I’d like to be able to remember when to use a semi colon and what twenty percent of a tip is. Since you insisted on this being the feel good hit of the universe, I’ve forgotten my middle names and how to tie a bowtie.

2. It’s dubstep.


3. It’s mad wiggerish.

Kreayshawn, is a tiny white girl who refers to her posse as her “sistas” and uses racial slurs in a sanctimonious fashion. I understand that the streets of East Oakland can be frightening, but dropping out of film school in Berkeley isn’t really the point of sale I want my rap coming from. If she were a tiny white male, Rick Ross would be planning on deep frying Kreayshawn and serving her to his crew with a side of grits.

4. You told me that you have two Louis Vuitton purses on hold.

“Gucci Gucci” is a song about not needing to brand yourself with labels, and yet you love flashing your credit card-scorching articles all over the bar. You’re using the song as an accessory and remember, when accessorizing always take off the last thing you put on. I figured out that you shouldn’t pay more for brand name apparel when I was nine and the nerdy kid in “Kick Butt” jogging pants couldn’t stop himself from getting his nose bloodied while playing soccer-baseball.

5. I got you a Minipops album to act as methadone.

You’re addicted, I get it. You’re a tiny girl who loves Inside Edition and you had no chance from the start against this drug. I sendspaced you a Minipops album that I’m pretty sure has a Kurtis Blow cover on it. This should get you through the week.

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