Girlfriends Make Men Weak


So my MD and I happened to live in the same dorm at prep school. We always commiserate about how things changed between his era and mine. Namely, it became coed – a disaster of P.C. culture. He looks out for his own, getting me on better deals and letting me in on some perks he isn’t using. Earlier this week he let me in on a four-person hospitality package for Wimbledon this summer. I invited three of my best friends. Two said yes right away. The other, Clay, said he had to ask his girlfriend.

Understand that this is a free trip to the second week of Wimbledon. Airfare, food, lodging, all free. One of my friends might need a wardrobe upgrade, but the rest of us don’t. He went to Stanford. Pretty sure he owns Puka shells.

I assumed he had to “ask” the same way I used to “ask” my step-dad if I could drunk-sail his catamaran or finger his estranged daughter at her deb ball. I prefer to live life with a presumption of permission.

I was wrong. Turns out he really needed to clear it with the lady. Her name’s Cornelia (the fuck kind of name is that?). Feminine form of Cornelius, so we call her “Planet of The Apes” because she’s pushing size 10 and not in the cute way.

Her family’s big in DC and always has a big 4th of July party. Normally, that sounds great. I always jump at the opportunity to go down there and how much of a farce their “high powered congressional jobs” are. I think they’re all unpaid. Always fun to wade through the croakies and affected southern accents over in Georgetown.

Speaking of, she went to Georgetown. I don’t know much about it, but based on their inability to field a decent lacrosse team, I’d assume there’s some combination of cocaine abuse and general inferiority.

Clay asked his girlfriend. She said all three of her sisters’ boyfriends and fiancés were committed to 4th of July and that it would be important if he would join. Then, she said that he should “do what he wants”. It’s obvious what he wants – to fly first class into London (for free), hang out at Wimbledon, and seduce some Brit girls by assuring them that they won’t be Thatcher-esque bags of failed orthodontics with a steel-plated lady-fro by age 35. They all will be.

So, he’s stuck. “Do what you want” is the most emasculating, garbage statement a girl can make. It makes men in relationships weak. He will have to go to a party that occurs literally every year, so his girlfriend doesn’t feel alone for five hours. His other option is to go to London to see the best sporting event in the world.

I think he should dump her. Why should a young man, particularly a member of the ruling class, be encumbered by anything? Especially a balloon with an at best average pedigree.

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