Go Ahead And Let Me Down


Go ahead and let me down.

Go ahead. Be the first to give me butterflies, to hold my hand. To snake your arm around my waist and to kiss me. Make me feel guilty for adventuring, for being joyful, for having friends. Tell me my enthusiasm is too much and insult me by finding someone else while you were lucky enough to have me. Think you could have both at once and try to convince me that it wasn’t a betrayal and that I’m being overly dramatic. Go ahead and try to belittle me, keep me back, so you can have some semblance of control in your own messy life. Disappoint me with your promises and prey on my naïveté.

Go ahead. Come into my life, a breath of seemingly fresh air. Teach me that different does not always mean better. Hook me, reel me in. String me along, find that arm’s length that will keep me just within reach for you, but will keep you just out of my own fingers’ grasp. Spend a year keeping it “light,” insisting that’s what this time is for. Make me feel ridiculous for feeling anything at all. Tell me I’m not wild enough, not enough glitz or glamour. Party more than you care; care only about yourself.

Go ahead. Show me actual respect for the first time. Be my friend, rescue me from my own insecurities. Be certain about what you want with me and let me know. Send me on scavenger hunts and write me silly poems of love. Celebrate my quirks and make me feel like I’m enough. Enough, but not everything. Tell me it has run its course; go back to your past. Break my heart and halt my world. Disappoint me in your inability to live in a forward direction.

Go ahead. Come back into my life, as more than a friend this time around. Work your way back to me, making me question why this never happened before. Take my weekends, the distance greedily claiming the days of the week. On paper, be everything I could want, our story a perfect tale. Be thoughtful and make me laugh; bring out the realest side I have to offer. But when the time comes to leap, remain on the cliff. Back away from the edge and tone down your adrenaline. Teach me the value of timing, a thing to be both hated and revered. Realize that we are more pals than partners, and quit while we’re still ahead.

To every right swipe, first date, first kiss who disappointed, thank you for going ahead and letting me down. Every time I felt too much, not enough, or second choice has led me here to a balance. I know exactly what I don’t want and exactly what I do. I have learned to stand up for myself, to fight for what I care about, and to stake a claim in my own life. Expectations don’t lead to disappointments; rather, standards lead to worthiness being realized.

To love as I will, without fear of another let-down or disappointment. I can recognize them now, steer clear of the negatives and welcome to lessons learned. So go ahead. The lows have lifted me up to a place with eyes wide open.

And one day, following all of these let-downs, someone will rise up and meet me at the top.